Monopoly. Scrabble. The Game of Life. You name it – my family has played it, likely numerous times. In a household of five young girls and two enthusiastic parents, board games are a consistent go-to on weekend nights, holiday breaks, and vacations. However, it’s never been easy – like many others, my family has struggled to overcome the unspoken politics of the stereotypical family board game night.
It really all began with a red box that was unwrapped one Christmas several years ago: Settlers of Catan. Little did we know that the box, inscribed with yellow letters and packed with a variety of complex game pieces, would soon become a prized possession in our household. It would bring us laughter and tears; it would bring us further apart before it could bring us closer together.
Eventually, we would be a better family because of it. But first, we had to learn some lessons to learn along the way:
Don’t Save The Date
Especially with large families, not everyone is going to have the free time to sit down for a board game. Sometimes, trying to fit everyone in just isn’t going to happen. Choosing a time when most people who are interested in participating are available is key. Trying to force a time when everyone can play is unrealistic, and it causes stress to clear schedules.
Exclusion IS Acceptable
Never force somebody to play who doesn’t want to. My persistent younger sister often thinks this is a good idea, and she has been proven wrong many, many times. Who knows what each individual has going on – the amount of interaction and sometimes chaos that takes place during a board game might just be their last straw. If someone refuses to play, they will simply pollute the game environment and overall vibe. It is important to accept that someone might sit out, and this flexibility is better for not only the active players, but also for the individual who just needs a break. Ideally, pick a game that allows for a variety of different amounts of players so this isn’t an issue.
Snacks, Beverages, and Music
If you’ve played Catan before, you know it can be a long game. On average, we spend at least three hours circled up around the table, dealing cards and building cities. Hangry-ness becomes a real issue around the end of hour one. Therefore, make sure everyone has some fuel to get them through it. While you’re at it, turn on some music to lighten up the mood. Don’t treat the activity like a burden – make it fun.
“Remember when…”
Emotional baggage must be left at the door. Board games can become intense very quickly in family settings because the players are comfortable and familiar with each other. This can make for a fun, lively group, or it can create a perfect breeding ground for revenge and resentment. Forget about your dad’s rude comment after your soccer game, or mom’s forgetfulness at the grocery store. Board game night is not the time to let out all of your feelings; ideally, this would be done before in order to start the game on good terms.
Keep It Moving
Of course, long board games require patience. However, there is only so much humming and hawing one can take before it simply becomes unbearable. Efficiency is critical to keep everyone engaged. My one sibling is infamous for her excessively long turns, burning up ten minutes just trying to decide whether to make a trade proposition or construct a road. She is now required to use a five-minute hourglass timer, for the sake of the rest of the players. Don’t be that person.
Break the Rules
Quite possibly the most important thing that my family has learned during our board game career is how to cater to everyone’s needs. With an age range of 10 to 43 years old, each member requires different things in order to have a fun experience. Usually, my littlest sister pairs up with someone like my dad (who has an impressive amount of patience) to create a team so she can understand the rules, and leave when her short attention span reaches its limit. The second youngest two are allowed advice from my parents once in a while – the older three, including myself, are restricted from this resource. As mentioned before, Izzie has a time limit on her turns. My mother has the final say in which game we play, because if she’s not happy, the rest of us usually aren’t either. If shortcuts need to be made to cut the game short, what needs to be done is done to keep it fun for everyone.
After years of use, that red Catan box is now battered and worn. The sides are held together with duct tape, and some pieces have been lost and replaced with colored Legos. It’s been with us through thick and thin, and has made us a closer, more understanding and communicative family.
This might all sound a little dramatic, but I truly believe that board game nights often
reflect the true nature of a family. While others may feed into the notorious drama and misery of family board game nights, after years of experience I’ve found that they can be a healthy way to get to know the people that you share your life with. Board games have the potential to create memories, strengthen relationships, and allow players to learn from each other. In the end, it’s not really about the game at hand; it’s about spending time with those that you love.
Abby –
It’s amazing to hear that you and your family love to play Catan, for it has been my favorite game for many years!
When I play Catan (or board games and card games in general) with my friends, I too usually encounter situations where some of my friends lack enthusiasm. Abby, I totally agree with your take on avoiding negativity and leaving someone alone when necessary, as I have experienced many similar situations in which a friend who does not want to play the game is dragged into the game, and he ends up wasting everyone’s time.
Games like Catan, by their nature, are competitive; there will be winners and losers, and not everyone will be happy at the end of the game. It’s important that we stay respectful and not force someone to play another game when they don’t want to. I’ve personally experienced it many times. The more you force them, the less they want to play, and sometimes they just quit the game altogether.
Also, couple things to add on:
1) If you are very good at one game, don’t just show off your knowledge and tell others what to do. It makes other people feel inferior and takes the fun out of the game. Understand that your “noob opponents” are trying to have fun, why not just win AND give them a good time?
2) Play for fun. There will be unhappy moments; but if you play competitively or for money, those unhappy moments are only going to hurt more. Also, playing competitive in a friendly game takes the friendliness away and turns everyone into opps. That’s not fun.
3) Don’t worry about winning or losing. A game is no longer fun when you start worrying about those things.
Abby, I am very happy to hear that you love to play the games I loved too. I gotta play you sometimes!
– Frank
This shines a beautiful light on your family dynamics and it sounds like a great time. Family Game Night. This is going to be a wonderful memory for you down the road. This is fantastic.
I absolutely love Catan! The tensions, disputes, and laughter all in one round of the game. I remember playing the game with many cousins, everyone trying to work a different angle using every tool in their arsenal (primarily emotional ones). Despite all the chaos, I had found enjoyment. I recently bought the extension piece because some family is coming over soon. Hope to create some great memories with this game. I definitely agree with how board games are a healthy way to spend some quality time with the family if done properly. All the fun can certainly turn into a great mess, likely an emotionally daunting one. I think all your rules/guidelines are the perfect combination to make family game night, a memorable and calm (hopefully) one.
Abbie, I really love the way that you chose to write this in little sets of rules with descriptions underneath, it made your post a very interesting read and kept me laughing. I agree with all of the rules that you chose, as playing with such a wide age range can make it difficult to keep everyone happy. I know that my brothers could stand to learn about not forcing people into playing with them, and not trying to make a day that everyone can play, since we all have very different schedules. I remember that playing with my family when me and my siblings were younger would always turn into a mess because we’re all very competitive, so I had to learn how to let them win sometimes. Now that they’re older though, I much prefer to destroy them if I can. One of my favorite games is Boggle, but I got so good at it that everyone, even my dad, stopped wanting to play with me because I would always beat them by so much. Overall, I really enjoyed reading your post and hearing about how board games have brought your family together.
Abbie, I think it’s so amazing that your family finds time almost every week to sit down and play a game together. Even in a family so big I think it’s such a great way for you all to connect. Your tips are really helpful and I definitely will have to bring them to my own family board game night. I’m curious, next to Catan, does your family have a second favorite game to sit down and play together? Personally, when I was little I tended to break the rules in games a lot, but not how you describe it. Typically, I cheated on games to try and win, but only when I would play with my grandfather since he knew I was cheating and let me do it anyway. He would call it “Kayley wins.” Does your family have any inside jokes like that when it comes to family game night? After reading this blog, I’d love to sit in on a family game night in the Martinson house just to see how much fun you have as a family!
Abbie, I love this! I started playing Catan a year ago and I definitely think that it’s one of the most fun and interesting games I’ve played. I think it’s amazing that your family has such enthusiasm for game nights. It’s honestly a perfect way to bond, have fun, and pass time. I think that your game night rules need to be distributed among every family. Your point about not saving the date and exclusion is really smart. I’ve tried to plan and force people into playing, but they end up being grumpy the whole time. Plus, as you said, people become disinterested quickly. My family and extended family like to play a lot of texas hold’em, and when someone keeps losing, they get in a bad mood. They’ll start insulting others and bringing up old arguments. That’s why I think your rule about leaving past grievances is one of the most important. Overall, I really loved your piece and I’m going to be taking some of your rules over to my family.