I hate Jimmy Fallon.
When I was about eight years old, my brother, our neighbors, and I started a small lemonade stand in our front yard. I feel like having a lemonade stand is a quintessential American childhood experience, and we were having a pretty good time. Only 25 cents a cup (this was pre-inflation) and no frills. You got a plastic cup, I poured in the powdered lemonade from the pitcher, and we all went on our way. A few hours in, a black BMW sedan pulled up across the street from us. I thought it was just another customer, and got ready to put on my cute eight-year-old customer service smile. From the title of this blog post, I bet you know who got out. To reiterate, I was eight when this happened, so there is no way I could have known he was the Jimmy Fallon. He asked me for a cup of lemonade, and poured one for him like I had done for every other customer. I held my hand out as I started to open the cash box, but I didn’t feel the cool thud of a quarter on my hand. I looked up, and he was staring at me like I was the 40 year old and he was the 8 year old.
I pointed at the sign and mentioned the price, but he didn’t move. He asked me if I knew who he was. I said no, being the daughter of Indian immigrant parents living in the suburbs of Chicago. I don’t know why he was so butthurt by that, but next thing I knew, he picked up our entire gallon of lemonade and dumped it on my head, followed by some…choice words. I, of course, started crying, and my brother and our neighbors were just standing there, dumbfounded.
So, that was a lie. I’m sorry if I just shattered your world, but I also don’t want to get sued for libel because of my AP Lit blog post. Whenever I have trouble falling asleep, I like to play a little game with myself. It doesn’t have a name, but it mainly entails coming up with the most bizarre things that Jimmy Fallon could have done to me. I have literally no idea why I do this, but I’ve found out that it is also a really great way to pass time in class. The reason I chose Jimmy Fallon is because the concept of “Jimmy Fallon” is a complete enigma to me. How a man can have so much life on screen yet no light in his eyes is a mystery. Anyways, I thought I would share some of the scenarios I thought of (also because I am drained for blog post ideas).
I am a proud graduate of Ceramics 1, but that class literally drained me (and my gas tank) because of all the time I spent on ceramics after school. The main cause of this was because as we were working on our vases, my project suffered catastrophic injuries, not once, but three times, leading me to have to fix what started looking like the Colosseum. 
My theory is that every night, Jimmy Fallon would break into the school and personally punch my vase out of spite. Why, I don’t know, but it was probably because I mildly dented his ego because I didn’t recognize him when I was EIGHT. Eventually, I put enough hours into my vase that even Jimmy Fallon recognized my hard work and had to end his poltergeisting. Apparently though, he still wasn’t done with me. A week later, I was making a whistle, and I came in during lunch to work. For background, I had ceramics 4th period and lunch 6th, so there was only a 50 minute timeframe when Jimmy Fallon could have gotten into the ceramics room and stuck his thumb in my whistle. I’m not even exaggerating, there was a perfect thumb print in my whistle when I came in to work. 
The only catch is that there is a ceramics class 5th period, so he couldn’t have just waltzed in and committed attempted murder against my piece. Maybe that’s an overreaction, but considering what I suspect he did to my vase, I see no problems with hyperbole. Back to my theory. I think Jimmy Fallon has superpowers. At the very least, he can teleport and turn invisible because that’s the only way he could have carried this heist out. He probably turned invisible, teleported into the ceramics room, stuck his thumb in my whistle, and left. Fortunately, the whistle was still completely usable, thanks to the aura of benevolent power Ms. Rehs holds.
I think our mind holds a lot of control over our bodies. Not just in a biological sense, but in the sense that leaning into sickness makes you feel more sick or that thinking about your stomach ache will make it worse. In my case, I think it made me short. You can ask anyone who knew me up till about sixth grade, and they will tell you that I was the tallest person in class. Me and my orange Kroehler YMCA Porpoise swim team sweatshirt were always in the back row for class pictures, and all my aunts and uncles thought I’d reach six feet one day. Oh, how they were wrong. In reality, it’s definitely the fact that the average height for Indian women is just above 5 feet, but I, of course, have to overthink it and insert Jimmy Fallon into the picture. I used have pretty bad nightmares when I was younger, and I believe that the moment they ended was the moment I stopped growing. My explanation of this definitely-inaccurate relationship is that during the time I had nightmares, Jimmy Fallon was sneaking into my room every night and sticking coins under my bed posts. This would make my bed height rise by an imperceptible amount every day, until one day I realize that my legs don’t hit the floor – hence, to my young, impressionable mind, the only explanation is that I shrunk. Why did this coincide with my nightmares, you ask? I mean, look at him. Imagine you wake up in the middle of the night to get water, and THIS is the face staring back at you.
Unforgettable in the worst way possible. Once I got the idea in my head that I shrunk, my brain subconsciously stopped sending growth hormones (I doubt this is actually how it works) to my body, so I stopped growing. Maybe my extensive imagination is making up for my lack of vertical altitude.
I know these seem fantastical at best, disturbingly obsessive at worst, but in a world of 8 billion people, there’s bound to be someone who Jimmy Fallon actively psychologically torments.
Maybe he is his own victim.
P.S. If you made it this far, please bear with me for just one more minute and look at this clip of my favorite Jimmy Fallon moment ever. He actually thought his career was about to end, and it’s all the vindication I never knew I needed.
Anjana,
May I just say that right off the bat I was hooked. At first glance, not even the post itself, but the title from the class dashboard had me clicking so fast you would not believe it. Not only do you have an excellent title, but also the first line. This was one of the first posts that created a genuine reaction of LOLing. To talk about something a little more serious, I am very sorry for all of the wrongs Jimmy F has committed to you, it must have been tough growing up that way. For him to do it in your childhood is one thing, but to continue it into the highschool years is another. I hope you are able to make it through this. I am not even going to lie when I say that you had me for a little bit. It was not until Jimmy F picked the table you guys were using for lemonade and flipped it over that I was like “hold up, this is not real”. On another note, I am glad I can share this common dislike for Jimmy and other celebrities. Celebrities who I believe to be on the same level as Fallon include: Matthew Morrison and that’s it. I do not like Matthew.
Anjana I’m not kidding I was just watching a video literally last night called ” stop interviewing RuPaul” and OF COURSE, this clip was featured. Drag Queen???? Drag Queen???? I’m the Queen of Drag. I really really love that video. The way Jimmy laughs like he thinks it’s funny but you can tell that he would never be the same after that. Another clip that was featured was him on Ellen where he explains that he’s involved in a TV show because he likes it and because the money is really good. Ellen then continues and assumes that if he didn’t like being involved, he wouldn’t be doing the show. He asserts, even though he was given the chance to just agree, that if he didn’t like it he would still do it because the money is REALLY good. I suggest you check out this video. Anyway, I agree that Jimmy Fallon is the cause of many problems but I have to say that, while it’s cliche, James Cordon is way worse and I would choose Jimmy over James every time. There is a quality to JF that makes me a little uneasy. I feel like he has some of the deadest eyes I’ve ever seen and some of the worst clips have come out of his show such as “Millie Bobby Brown Raps a Stranger Things Season 1 Recap”. Good blog post I was laughing out loud thank you.
You know, never in a million years did I think I would be reading a blog about how Jimmy Fallon has personally haunted someone throughout their life. When I was reading the beginning of the blog, I was really surprised and I actually somewhat believed you about the lemonade stand. I started having these thoughts about how you would be famous if this was recorded or how he personally came to yours just to ruin your day. I thought that entire beginning was hilarious. Then when you started talking about ceramics, I felt your pain. Whenever I put my piece away and take it out to work the next day, it would be crumbling or one of the sides would be folding into the center of my vase. I also had to spend countless hours just making sure that my vase was good. Maybe Jimmy Fallon saw mine after injuring yours and decided to wreak havoc. I think It is possible. I also like how you just think up Jimmy Fallon scenarios whenever you can’t sleep. It seems that none of them are positive, but more about how he is out to make sure that your life is miserable.
Anjana, the detail with which you described the first scene was very impressive. With only the thumbnail to base my expectations on, I was unsure of what was coming, and the beginning of my reading was met with confusion. I knew it wasn’t true, but how was there so much detail? Was the whole blog post just supposed to be a story? And then the quick story ended. I find it very fascinating that out of all the possible people, you chose Jimmy Fallon. Yet I completely understand it. Some people just do not give off the energy of a “real person,” and he perfectly falls under that category. I also wanted to note that this lighthearted villainizing of Jimmy Fallon reminds me of the trend of Ed Sheeran hate, another “entity.”
I remember hearing about the several incidents regarding your ceramics piece, and I hope the situation felt better once you provided an explanation, even if it was slightly illogical. Sometimes it’s better to simply laugh off an incident as opposed to dwelling on misfortune. I really admire your creativity in all of these scenarios, and I was very pleasantly surprised by the turn of your blog post. I found myself laughing throughout this post, and I hope to hear more Jimmy Fallon stories, and why he is the root of all problems.
Wow, Anjana, you really hooked me on with your intro! I couldn’t stop reading as the endless flow of suspense, spite, and humour enamoured me to go along with this flow. Jimmy Fallon gives off the same vibes as crazy TV hosts like Ellen Degeneres and Jimmy Kimmel. I, too, can not wait for some sort of goofy prank to fall upon me. Ceramics seems like an enjoyable class, but also a very hard one. Each piece must have taken so long to plan and create. The fact that your ceramic piece was destroyed on multiple occasions is enough to make me cry. As someone who likes to draw, I have the ability to erase Although Mr. Fallon most probably did not destroy your pieces or hide coins under your bed, I think it’s a great way to ease your mind after experiencing something difficult. I think the mental effect on the physiological body is an interesting thing you point out. As I learned from psych, our brains do have an impact on our bodies feeling more pain or having phantom illnesses. You could probably take from this post that you need to offer yourself explanations and think positively in order to cope with the tragedies that occur. Great post, Anjana!
What the bleep! Jimmy Fallon is a hater for real. Personally, I would have bought all of your lemonade while recording it on my phone and then posted it on youtube. Just kidding! I absolutely agree with your statement that Jimmy Fallon has no light in his eyes. There is just something so off about him every time he cracks a joke. Don’t even get me started on his laugh. It reminds me of a beaver gnawing on wood. I think it is absolutely valid to blame everything to ever occur on Jimmy Fallon. I similarly do this, but I use my brother as the reason why things in my life go wrong! Have you ever heard that superstition that when you sneeze, someone is thinking about you? Well I bet Jimmy Fallon sneezes an absurd amount then because he is always somewhere in your mind. I also bet that every time you have tripped, it was actually invisible Jimmy Fallon. He looks like he would have either been bullied in middle school, or have been the bully. Most likely the former. Your blog was the highlight of my day (granted, it is first period) and I heartily agree with your views on Jimmy Fallon!
Anjana, I’m going to expose you in front of the masses and remind you that I still have that video of you in 6th grade telling Jimmy Fallon to give you a call. Oh, how the tides turn. After reading this blog post, I can probably use that video as blackmail for something.
On another note, you have to write a book or make a website of your stories because this was such an entertaining blog post. Your sense of humor is so unique. The thought of Jimmy Fallon dumping a pitcher of lemonade on your 8-year-old head is hilarious. The way you wrote the introduction really made it seem as if Jimmy Fallon waltzed out of his car and ruined a child’s lemonade stand dreams. Also, I’m sure somewhere on the web, Jimmy Fallon just looked up his own name and is now crying at your blog post knowing that he didn’t get away with ruining your ceramics project. I think your feelings are valid because a lot of people don’t seem to like Jimmy Fallon very much, although it’s probably for different reasons. Anway, your posts are always so engaging to read, and I can’t wait to see which celebrity you will write about next.
Anjana,
I really enjoyed this. To the extent that I blame you for making me laugh in a silent study hall. They probably all think I am crazy now.
First, a shout out to your cover image. It is very well done, and we can see the care that was taken in it. So fire.
In regards to Fallon himself, it’s funny that you’ve villainized him, especially in such a recurring sense. I’m not a Jimmy hater myself, although I can understand where you come from as I look at the images you chose. But there are definitely creepier celebrities out there…
I am so sorry for the losses of your ceramic pieces. As a fellow ex-ceramics student, I know how it is to put your soul into that lump of clay. I cannot imagine what it must be like to have it ruined by another, especially in a repeated manner like yours. Horrific beyond belief. When I read your description of the whistle having a thumb stuck in it I actually cried a little (from laughter not tears, to clarify). It really looks like a thumb shape. Nobody deserves this.
I also used to be the tallest in the class. I hit a growth spurt early on, and all of my friends looked like midgets next to me. However, everyone seems to have caught up since, and sometimes my dad mentions that I pump-faked them.
Anjana,
I am once again left in awe of your boundless creativity and borderline obsession with random celebrities. The anecdotal intro? Absolutely genius. I was stunned along with your brother and neighbor as to why he would just pour lemonade on you. Rich people are insane. I’m glad I finally know your guess as to why your ceramic pieces were failing. You seem like such an artsy person that it definitely was sabotage by Jimmy Fallon that caused your pieces to collapse. There’s no other way. I’m honestly surprised with all the interviews he conducts that he continued to torment you since the age of 8. I mean by now he should definitely have bigger problems. Maybe he’ll have a real scandal in 2023. I think you bring up a compelling thought that there has to be at least one person in the world who Jimmy Fallon torments. I think it’s even more likely that he is his own victim. I mean he has to live in fear of articles like yours becoming mainstream and tarnishing his record as this friendly, down to earth, guy. I don’t know if we’ll ever discover if it’s an act or not. More people need to step forward with their stories, like you have now done, so we as a society can honestly determine who Jimmy Fallon is.
Hey Anjana,
I LOVED your blog this week, it is definitely my favorite (shhh do not tell anyone). I was reading your blog and quite literally said “oh my gosh” out loud when I you said Jimmy Fallon came to your lemonade stand, only for you to trick me.
It is hilarious how you related the ceramics incidents back to Jimmy Fallon. I distinctly remember the days you came into 6th period lunch having to redo your whole vase.
I myself have my very own Jimmy Fallon. At the ripe age of seven years old I was introduced to the first Avatar movie (recently saw the new one). After that night, I had recurring dreams of Jake Sully chasing me home from a school field trip to Brookfield Zoo just for me to close the garage in time. Matter a fact I was convinced for a while that I was actually being chased and would run from my bus stop to my house everyday. Thus, I can relate to your trauma.
In regards to the clip you linked at the end of your blog, I find it hysterical. The look on Jimmy’s face is priceless and I am sure this clip has come up on my Tiktok for you page a couple of times.
Overall, I admire your imagination and hope to hear more in future blogs!