Yes, I’m still on this.

A while ago, I wrote a post on why Shrek 2 deserves to win every Oscar (it was unfortunately completely snubbed), and is a superior movie to Fight Club. That got me thinking – why don’t TikTok film accounts that make edits of A24 movies to overused indie rock songs (read: male manipulator music) with orchestral backing tracks make edits of Twilight? Although I will focus on the first Twilight movie in this here blog post, I want to give a shout out to New Moon for being another one of those middle child movies (second in a trilogy) that is always forgotten just like Shrek 2, and for no good reason. Middle children, I love you all. Your parents might not, but I do.

When I evaluated Shrek 2 against Fight Club, I divided the parts of the movie into different categories that were essential to enjoyment: cast (is the cast talented enough to match the needs of the movie?), cinematography (does the camerawork, scenery, and set design evoke strong emotions like sadness and joy, or just disgust?), plot (was it interesting and unique or cliche?) impact on the viewer and on pop culture (did I walk away thinking this was a waste of time or that it would be my whole personality for the foreseeable future), and soundtrack (do my ears like it as much as my brain?).

But the million dollar question – what will I compare Twilight to? I wanted to choose another classic film bro movie, but something that would match the dark themes of Twilight. My immediate thought was American Psycho, possibly the most revered movie of the film bro genre. Gore, toxic masculinity, unreliable narrator (can’t forget the one who started it all: William Faulkner), and a lead actor with really nice skin. Like, it’s seriously glowy. Someone uses SPF 50 every morning.

Anyways, let’s dive right into the faceoff of the century.

Cast: American Psycho has a pretty cliche list of western cinema’s A-List – Christian Bale, Jared Leto, Willem Dafoe, Reese Witherspoon (+20 points, was in Legally Blonde, knows Jennifer Coolidge personally), Justin Theroux, Ronald Reagan somehow (-1,000,000 points, was racist).

Twilight, on the other hand, Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Taylor Lautner, Jackson Rathbone (-100 points, was in the Avatar: The Last Airbender live action movie), Anna Kendrick, Dakota Fanning, Michael Sheen, Jamie Campbell Bower, Bryce Dallas Howard, Lee Pace, Rami Malek.

I’m not actually doing a points system because it is 8:00 on Thursday and I forgot about this blog post and it’s too much work. However, with the overwhelming loss that is Ronald Reagan, I think American Psycho pretty easily loses. I’m not trying to discredit these actors because I know they are immensely talented and work very, very hard, but they don’t have a Taylor who married another Taylor. So.

Cinematography: For this category, I wanted to compare two specific scenes: the opening scene of American Psycho, and the baseball scene from Twilight. I actually did research American Psycho for this post, mainly just watching the first scene, and this unfortunately led me to seeing Christian Bale’s bare butt, but hey, anything for the blog. I was impressed by the amazing set design of his apartment and how it clearly reflected his personality, especially the last line of the clip where he talks about never really “being there”. The acting in this scene was really amazing, BUT this is the cinematography section so sorry Christian Bale. Also, I know I joked about his skin earlier but I wasn’t even wrong. Half the scene is him describing his very in-depth skincare routine, and he definitely puts in more effort than those TikTok dermatologists who recommend CeraVe in every video and don’t respond to comments asking why they promote a brand that’s not cruelty free. Side note: why does Patrick Bateman have a poster of the Les Mis musical right above his toilet? Now, I’m no interior designer but even I know looking into the eyes of the little girl on the poster while you do your business is more than slightly weird.

Twilight: Blue lighting? Let’s talk about it. Having been to Washington multiple times before, I can confirm that everything IS blue there. The baseball scene is very true to life in the PNW vibes it gives off, and I just know they were all wearing Patagonia puffer vests. The camerawork following Edward and Emmett as they were zooming towards the ball plus the pan across Edward’s face when they realized their vampire enemies were coming towards them is truly spectacular. I really sound like a pre-teen fanfiction writer right now, but I’m in too deep to care.

Plot: Both of these movies were literary adaptations, so I won’t speak too much to the plot. American Psycho is a story about a man who operates on instinct, but discovers his whole life is a lie, and kills an excessive amount of women in the process. To be serious for one second, I think a common theme throughout many film bro movies is the presence of extreme misogyny and the objectification and sexualization of women, which is a main reason these issues are so present in modern masculine culture. But this is a funny blog post! So let’s talk about something else.

Twilight’s plot presents the classic trope of forbidden love, but in a way digestible and attractive to teenage girls. It has the twists, turns, and jumpscares of an action movie, but has nothing that doesn’t advance the plot of the weird relationship between a 100-year-old vampire and a 17-year-old girl.

Impact on the viewer and on pop culture: Where to begin. American Psycho has had a big impact on meme culture (that’s what Wikipedia said), and this is the only mildly funny one I could find that wasn’t incredibly explicit. Bale’s acting was stellar, and the film was an instant cult classic.

Twilight’s pop culture impact is actually never ending. First of all, the Team Edward vs. Team Jacob question should be asked in presidential debates – it’s a good judge of character. Second of all, it kicked off one of the greatest film franchises of all time. I am very tired and can’t think of any more examples, but trust me, they’re there.

Soundtrack: American Psycho had Hip to Be Square, and Twilight had Supermassive Black Hole and Bella’s Theme. There’s not much else to say. Also, I can’t say much more because I’m massively past the word limit.

Extra win: Twilight passes the Bechdel test and American Psycho doesn’t. Who needs more? I know I don’t.

I hope you enjoyed this edition of Anjana Has Many Incorrect Opinions. See you in two weeks, or whenever my brain farts again!