In the midst of derivatives, my crippling fear of my Calculus class learning something new the one day I am gone, the college essays, the crying in the upper Uhaul bathrooms three times a week, and the desire to be somebody, though who, I cannot pin down, I have found my life falling inexplicably short of joy.
I used to think that we gain our joy from our moments with others. The best moments of my life have been with family or friends. I crave others’ company in everything I do, whether driving to school, or doing something as trivial as walking my dog. I find life fulfilling solely because of the people in it. But if there is one thing I learned in high school, it’s that you will have to learn how to spend time on your own eventually.
The silence in my solitude is deafening and uncomfortable. No matter how loud I dial the music, the emptiness is still there. I found myself prioritizing validation and attention from others to drown out my own lack of understanding and comfort with myself.
So, I have decided that it is time to take control of my own life, and not be a bum anymore! I am finally going to stick to a theme, and talk about ways I am refinding joy on my own.
Today, I am going to talk about the joy in cleaning my room with the music on and the windows open.
I hate cleaning my room. I find it tedious, a waste of time, and overall just uneventful. Usually, I am pretty good about keeping my room clean everyday so as to prevent an accumulation of clothes that I will eventually have to commit a whole day’s worth of time to clean. However, these past few months have been pretty rough, and I just couldn’t get myself to clean my room. So, yesterday, I decided to finally force myself to clean it.
Let’s just say it took a while.
To quicken, or at least make the process of cleaning my room less miserable, I cracked the windows open, and welcomed the 60 degree breeze. I have this small, aging Google Home in my room which I adore with all of my heart, which I connected my phone to, and played my Covid-year playlist to feel some type of way as I folded and categorized my clothes.
I am quite fond of Kono Mari’s
method of folding clothes. Everyone should try it some time. The method is fascinating really; every piece of clothing is folded in such a way that they can stand up on their own, propped up by their own fabric legs. I do not mean that in a metaphorical sense, it’s literally just a really cool method of folding clothes. I’ll link a youtube video at the bottom.
The music on my Google Home transcends me to a pre-Hugo time. (He’s my dog if you somehow didn’t know that by now). It’s crazy how certain songs,and certain melodies bring me back to exact moments that are so intense I can almost feel the emotions I had when I was listening to this song in the past. Does that make sense? I find myself smiling at Sarah and the Sundays as they sing about moving on to better days, at Bon Iver reminiscing about a skinny love he wishes would last a year, and at Joji finding more than fun, his one: the Sanctuary.
I had forgotten the sweetness of music on a crisp October day. I had forgotten what it was like to let the melody of a song fill my empty self to the top. I was so used to listening to brown noise in order to study, that I had neglected my happy songs. They sure missed me. I missed them.
With every piece of clothing that got sorted out, I felt a little bit lighter inside. With trees rustling outside, and a nice cold breeze in my room, and the shine of my wooden floor that I hadn’t seen in a while, I felt accomplished. My mom would always tell me a clean room was a clean mind. In the menial task of cleaning my room, I actually found some joy.
Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IjkmqbJTLBM
Ashley, I clicked on your post the second I saw the text about calculus. I hope you’re as relieved as I am that the previous unit is done! Honestly, I’ve found myself in a similar position to you this month. College apps seemed to consume me and school started picking up, teachers assigning tests and cramming homework all into that last week of apps. Good thing it’s over. I actually went through something similar to you during the winter of junior year, basing my joy on whether or not I was alone. It was a hard year. Funnily enough, I also found myself cleaning my room over winter break last year to feel productive, even though I also absolutely despise it. It’s not something I would choose to do for fun, but it actually helps to keep your mind off of things for just a while, which is great. I will definitely take time to watch the youtube video that you’ve linked and try it out when I decide to clean my room (might be a while). On the topic of songs bringing back strangely specific emotions, I get that too. I listen to so much music that I sometimes neglect to listen to “old” ones, and when I go back to listen, it always brings a sense of nostalgia. All in all, I loved reading your blog & also seeing the picture of Hugo, and I’m hoping that this new calculus unit goes great!
Hi Ashley!
I found this post really enjoyable and a little bit too relatable for my comfort! I find myself needing to do every little activity with other people. Today, I had to go to Target alone in a rush and got all nervous thinking about how I was alone. Once I was done getting the groceries, I suddenly felt really proud of myself for being able to do something alone. You were so right when you said, “you will have to learn how to spend time on your own eventually,” even though it’s something I usually try to avoid acknowledging. I completely understand how the silence feels so empty when you’re alone and even music can’t fully fix this feeling. I will for sure take note of your recommendation of Kono Mari’s folding methods. Even though I am not an expert at folding, I would love to try to learn. I’m pretty sure what you explained with feeling the exact same feelings you felt with a song a long time ago relates to the idea of context-dependent memory, relating to our abilities to retrieve memories. I really liked your reference leading up to the song Sanctuary by Joji. That really made me chuckle! Great job with your post, I’m excited to read more from you in the future!
Hi Ashley,
I really like your hook about derivatives in calculus class because I think a lot of people reading your blog including myself can relate to that and then using that to draw us into your life was pretty cool. Opening up about how you use validation and attention from others to get rid of a lot of the stresses you have in life was also really interesting to read about because I could never open up in that way to anyone. I also like when you said that some of the best moments in life are with friends and your interactions with others, I could not agree more. Almost all of my most important memories are with friends and those memories help shape who I am. I’m more of an introvert myself so I’ve gotten used to being able to enjoy my own company a lot and although I like hanging out with my friends and talking with other people it isn’t as necessary for me as it might be for other people. Old music bringing back to older times is also something I can relate to and it happens to me a lot. Your ending is also interesting showing us that even menial tasks such as cleaning your room can cause some joy.