Every nauseatingly cringey phase of my life has contributed to building who I am now.
Yes, even the 8-year-old who screamed and giggled when the Ninjago theme song played.
Yes, even the girl with the anime fan page on Instagram.
Yes, even the 2020 discord-attached wannabe animator trying to mimic her YouTube idols.
Little 8-year-old me who was obsessed with Ninjago was just the beginning. From there, she developed an obsession with cartoons and animation (as any little kid would). I discovered my passion for drawing and creating in the 2-d space with paper and pencil. I absolutely fell in love with it.But I got tired of waiting for Thursdays 5-6 pm central time. I took this newfound love and used it to create my own characters in Ninjago. I designed new outfits, wrote new storylines, and created copious amounts of severely embarrassing comic strips. I flip back on these sketchbooks with barely distinguishable characters with a mix of wild discomfort and gentle nostalgia. But they remind me where my creative roots stemmed from.
As I grew older, I was exposed to even more media. This meant more cartoons. I became obsessed with anime (I did not enjoy writing that admission), and this obsession led to an entire Instagram account dedicated to my favorite character (who I will never disclose). As much as I want to bury and trample this part of my adolescent experience, reflection allows me to see what I took away from my awkward fangirl behavior. This account led me to find other accounts, people that I would soon become good friends with.
I was a 6th grader disguised as a 16-year-old in a group chat of individuals from 11-18. Hindsight, that was mad sketchy. As I’m reflecting and writing about it I’m realizing how lucky I am to have met people who were genuinely good. The internet is self-aware. Everyone knows there are creeps and sketchy people, but once true connections are established, we always look out for each other. Growing up with half of my social life on the internet led me to exposure to mature issues rather quickly. The exposure to these issues- spectating as others ranted and gave advice- provided me with experience second-hand. I began recognizing these universal struggles, and I learned how to cope with them despite not having yet experienced them personally.
Most recently, as the pandemic hit full swing and our school went online, so did a lot of my social life. I became re-obsessed with YouTube. So much so, that as I watched a YouTube channel crash and burn with the drama of the internet, I scrambled with the rest of the viewer base to fill the content gap. I turned to Reddit to stay caught up with the drama (yikes I don’t want to talk about Reddit’s reputation). When I saw a “casting call” to create content in an online group, I pounced.
I found myself thrust into a group of animators and editors from New York to Thailand as we shared awkward conversations over tinny Discord calls and bonded over laggy game servers. Eventually, we all became really good friends, and we started working to put out content. At some point, the original leader of the project left, and I became the new manager. Although it didn’t feel like it at the moment, through this experience, I learned how to lead others. I learned how to organize deadlines, how communicate through conflict, and plan events.
As easy as it can be to dismiss online friendships, the ability to connect and listen to the stories of the people who share the same (potentially silly seeming) passions as me has allowed me to gain a wider view of the world. Playing Valorant at 4 am with virtual strangers in Belgium, Colorado, and California, may not have benefitted my Honors Biology grade, but the stories told and advice shared in these calls are ones that I will likely hold onto for many years to come.
All of these versions of me have built onto the other. I cringe and cover my eyes looking back at the past versions of me, but I love each one of them for the skills and experiences that they’ve given me.
Elyse,
I really resonated with your post. Everyone goes through several phases in life, some of which we regret, some of which we don’t. Your post exemplified the idea that regardless of how we feel about each of these phases, they are all equally important in playing a role towards shaping who we are. In my pre-teen years, I certainly had my fair share of obscure interests, and whilst I certainly look back at my past behavior and cringe, I also remember how happy those interests made me at the time, and that is what we should truly focus on. The internet has certainly played its role in exacerbating the reality of our past behaviors, as anything that is posted once is posted forever. However, I will say that online communities certainly have beneficial aspects as well. These communities allow individuals to express aspects of their interests and personality that they may be unable to do in real life. The internet is certainly a dangerous place, but expression of artistic ideas online can certainly serve to allow one to test the waters of their artistic abilities. Artists and writers can safely get feedback on their work without having to face the potential embarrassment of receiving criticism from someone they know in person. I believe your post truly emphasized the common feeling that almost everyone has felt, of looking back at your past interests with embarrassment, but also with nostalgia at the happiness that they brought.
Elyse, this blog post is incredibly interesting! I knew about your drawing talent but had no idea how you developed it and how it led you to take part in extensive projects and the meeting of new people all across the world. I really appreciate your ability to reflect back on a time in your life you view with embarrassment but that played such a large role in shaping who you are. You talked about working in groups with other animators and fans of anime, youtube, etc. Did you find it hard to connect with people due to age gaps or language barriers? I’m curious as to how people can create such strong connections all over the internet. I’ve never done it before and feel like I’m too scared and shy to reach out to others and work on developing friendships like that. Would you say that your friendships with these individuals solely revolve around your shared interest in art, video games, and anime or have these topics served as an outlet for friendships based on getting to know more about the personal details of each other’s lives? On another note, I wanted to say that I relate to your experience of being extremely passionate about something when younger and looking back on it as cringey. I was obsessed with a band in middle school and all the music, news, youtubes, pretty much all content I consumed revolved around them. While some may look on it as childish and embarrassing (myself included), I will admit that they actually brought a lot of joy and happiness to my life. They served as an example of what life had to offer. They were good, kind, talented people living out their dreams. I think a part of me was envious of them for that. And I think some small part of me always will be.