“Touch grass.”
Two words, so poignant yet so beautiful. Touch. Grass. I haven’t done it in a while, being cooped up in my room, writing this blog and ensuring that I receive a diploma at the end of this year.
I frequently get told (and tell myself) to “touch grass.” I need to, or else I’ll go crazy. Craziness leads to creativity, and all of this talk about touching grass got me thinking… what is the best insult?
An insult is meant to make someone feel worse about themselves. It should be offensive, humiliating, and disrespectful at the same time, but also effective in the delivery. In hurling trash-talk at my friends and frequently being on the receiving end, I have great authority on this matter. Now, let me lecture you about touching grass: “touch grass” is an insult that has risen in popularity the past few years, and its objective is to tell a person to leave their house and go outside. Typically, this person doesn’t do that often, and telling them to “touch grass” is a perfect way to remind them that they need excitement in their life.

The phrase never misses! Staying inside is fine for some people, but the phrase “touch grass” ultimately ties into people’s fear of missing out, which makes the insult hit.
Universally, this roast will yield a mighty blow to your opponent, but there’s some other ol’ reliables you must know. The words “cope,” “seethe,” and “deflect” fall under the general category of callouts. When I cross-referenced Wikipedia, Urban Dictionary, and Google, I confirmed that a callout is when you draw attention to someone’s out-of-pocket behavior. Callouts are lethal. Egos crumble at the thought of a callout, because it cuts deep. If it is personal, too, then even better. “Cope,” “seethe,” and “deflect” are words that you use to callout somebody. If somebody is coping, then you would just say “cope”— the same goes for the other words.
One particularly devastating callout is the baby crying. You use this whenever someone is complaining, and that happens pretty often in your day, I bet. Here is an example conversation:
“Ian, I just had the worst day of my life. I got a bad grade on the math test, my family disowned me, I-”
“WAAAAAH!”
You have to sound like a baby when you do it, or else it doesn’t have the same effect. In addition to this, you can’t give any explanation after you say it, because then you would be seething and your opponent would say “seethe.”
Those are some decent insults. But the thing is, I don’t use them often because they perpetuate negativity. You don’t want to do that. Life is much too short to constantly speak in complaints, sarcasm, insults, and pessimism. In 85% of cases, these comments will only make yourself and someone else feel worse, which obviously is not desirable. If you want people to like you (you do, right?), then you should seldom insult them or call them out.
Internally, I’m sure many of us insult ourselves. It could be body image. It could be our intelligence. It could be regrets. It could be anything, but self-hatred certainly does nothing to help with any qualm you may have about yourself. In addition to this, the way we conduct ourselves externally affects how we think about ourselves internally. If you are constantly negative to other people, then you are just a negative person, and that is no way to enjoy life. So tell your family and friends that you love them. Make conversation with the quiet classmate. Hold the door open for somebody else. These small acts will make not only others, but yourself happier and more positive.