Autumn in Prison

BY CONNIE LEUNG

In memory of   John Fowle

 

these leaves are not from in here

they are nothing like the towering pine

that prickles crevices into my sky with its

decaying and sullen branches

 

these leaves are robust & hearty still

sneaking their way onto a stage

of concrete like renegade

prima donnas at burlesque

they dance and flicker

bare glimpses of saffron & sepia

blow kisses from lips a tint of rouge

i am certain

no man can recreate

 

these leaves must be

the ones you saw each day

as you sat close by painting

they huddled together didn’t they

and danced harmoniously

as they fanned rainbows into your sky

i create a story in my mind of how

you must’ve smiled and pressed

those rose-kissed cheeks toward your eyes

 

but your leaves are changing in here

as all the fallen do

i watch as one little ballerina races by

unable to keep pace

she collides into a steel wall

half her body in my company

half her body reaching for you

 

her slippers tear in the struggle

i whisper to her you’re still beautiful

and tell her you should go

she twirls her head blushing

then exposes her drying heart toward me

 

she waits for me to come for her

she waits for us

to save each other

—

By simply reading the title of “Autumn in Prison,” I thought that I had an idea of what this poem was about. The title is immediately followed by a dedication, and I figured that this was a personal message about a familial separation caused by incarceration. 

 

However, I quickly became confused, especially by the imagery and symbols. Why was so much dancing referenced, and where did prima donnas and ballerina slippers fit into the picture? Is the ballerina supposed to be the speaker or the audience? To figure this out, I began analyzing bits at a time.

 

The first part of this poem included affirming what I had already assumed about the poem, in reference to the divide due to imprisonment. However, I then became confused once it mentioned pine “prickling crevices” into the speaker’s view. Crevices are tiny cracks or fissures, and I was confused about how these could be created in something as vast as the sky. With this confusion, I referenced back to the speaker’s choice to use the words “my sky.” Using a possessive term, “my sky” instead of “the sky,” made me realize that their view of the sky is limited. This only affirmed the speaker’s position in prison, with a small window. As a result, something as small as pine needles can reduce their already-limited view of the sky.

 

The next part I attempted to break down was the second stanza, packed with movement and personification. I struggled with the bountiful characterization of the leaves. They were said to be “sneaking” and “renegade,” and I was perplexed about what was rebellious about the falling of leaves. After all, it is quite obvious to see, and it is expected every year. However, I thought more about what it meant to be a renegade, and turn against a greater mass. The “sneaking” was the separation of a single leaf from the tree, but the significance in the greater picture was unclear. It could be celebrating individuality, or breaking away. Or maybe it was meant to contrast the freedom of the leaves to dance away, while the speaker remains in the cell. I thought my last guess made the most sense in reference to the subject, but I remain a little confused. 

 

Additionally, what perplexed me was the use of an ampersand. The ampersand tied together robust and hearty, and saffron and sepia. After a quick search, I realized that saffron and sepia are yellow and brown, typical colors on autumn leaves. 

The ampersand creates a close association between the two words, and seeing how yellow and brown are typically mixed together, it is also implying that strength and cheerfulness come hand in hand. Maybe the speaker is attempting to learn from their observations of the leaves, and the sturdy/exuberant/free image that they have created.

 

This forced me to think about the symbolism of the leaves, which are typically related to nature and growth. But in this context, it is autumn and they are falling, showing the change in season and the preparation for winter. This could signal the passage of time, but it may also show why the speaker is missing the audience. Autumn can be an exciting time, as colder weather can signal the many holidays upcoming, a time that would typically be spent with loved ones. 

 

The shift from the description of leaves and the memory to the ballerina was the most confusing part of the poem for me. She is visibly struggling, a contrast to the picture-perfect expectations that ballet often requires. But I hesitated with the reason why the ballerina, a symbol of femininity and perfectionism, was the focus of the poem. The past stanzas had mentioned the femininity of the leaves, saying “no man,” but I struggled to find the significance of gender in reference to prison. Maybe this made it more difficult because there is a lower percentage of female inmates.

 

In addition, it says that she “collides into a steel wall,” I wondered if this was related to an accident, and maybe even the reason that the speaker was incarcerated. I initially thought that the speaker had changed and that somebody was explaining the mistakes of the original speaker. However, I began to believe that the speaker could be either the imprisoned person, the loved one waiting for them, or maybe even both. However, as I reread, the italicized words “you should go” had the greatest impact. This made it all fall into place, as the incarcerated speaker watches their loved one continue to struggle as well, attempting to encourage them to move on in the difficult time. 

 

I thought the author had also stressed the duality of the impact of the situation. Although “tear” may have meant ripped, it could also be referencing tears from crying. However, I was perplexed as to why the author chose to say “drying heart” instead of simply “dying heart,” a more practical description. I looked up the definition of drying and found that to “dry out” is theatrical slang for forgetting lines, and messing up in a performance, just like the ballerina. 

 

In the ending paragraph, the speaker repeats “waits.” The situation requires a lot of patience, and the ending purpose of saving each other is reaffirmed. I believe that this poem is about the difficulty of a loved one being incarcerated on both ends, and the empathy that the speaker felt for their audience, even if they were the one detained. It’s, on one hand, a message of hope, but also asking the other to be able to move on, as it will take some time. 

 

Looking back at the title “Autumn in Prison,” I can clearly see the subject of the poem and note the themes of loss, relationships, failure, and recovery. While there are still standing questions in the use of some symbols, I found it interesting to begin to peer into the emotions of an unfamiliar yet tolling experience.