When my siblings and I were little, we tried out a bunch of sports. For my brother, baseball was what stuck and my sister ended up with soccer. As for me, I ended up choosing swimming as my sport, which seemed like a small decision at the time but has ultimately become one of my most formative.
It all began one summer, when my mom decided to sign Jonathan, Sarah, and I up for our neighborhood swim team. At the age of seven, I became an official Huntington Estates Seahawk. I don’t have that many memories from back then- it’s all a blur of water, sunshine, awful tan lines, tents, and late-night swim meets. I wasn’t great at the sport, but I wasn’t too bad. Mainly, I liked it because there was no pressure of playing on a team.
So, after many summers of swimming, I decided to join a club team. That is when things definitely took a turn. I had no friends on the new team, and I left every practice exhausted and discouraged. The saying that ‘there’s no crying in baseball’ definitely was not a universal sports adage. Every practice and every meet, the racking anxiety that I was embarrassingly slow took hold, thus teaching me what panic attacks were. But, I also learned what it meant to not be the best at everything, and the value in persistence. Even though being last was, and still is, the worst feeling in the world, it taught me to better regulate my emotions and pushed me to do things I was uncomfortable with, humbling my expectations while teaching me that my self-worth was not tied to being the best.
I trudged on through my anxiety, feeling as though I needed to do a sport simply because both my siblings did a sport. Somehow, I made it to the summer before my freshman year of high school, when I decided that I would join the swim team, which has proven to be a conversely horrible and incredible decision. On the negative side, balancing academics, extracurriculars, and athletics on top of my family life was a struggle. Early mornings andlate nights dedicated to the pool were extremely time-consuming and tiring. There is nothing better than falling into bed after an especially difficult practice, but this is not feasible when homework and studying need to be done. Pre-meet anxiety was still ever-present, especially because the events at the high-school level are often longer and thus more difficult. The fear of being last and forever embarrassing myself is constant, especially because it still happens quite often (again, I wouldn’t consider myself great at the sport).
But above all, swimming is cold, especially when it is 5:30 in the morning. I would wake up cold, get into the freezing pool, get back into the freezing pool hours later, and sometimes walk outside in the cold. There were many mornings when I would wonder why I picked swimming, internally yell at my parent for not putting me in dance, and question if I would ever be warm again (admittedly very dramatic, but it feels very valid at the moment).
But, through all these negatives, choosing to swim is perhaps one of the best decisions I made in high school, because I met the people who would become some of my best friends. It all started on day one of practice freshman year. I was put into lane twelve with a bunch of other freshman girls, and we all had one thing in common- we were cold and tired. We ended up spending a lot of time together, and by the end of freshman year, a little group had formed. As the years and the swim seasons went by, my little group was refined to a pack of four. Looking back on these past couple of years, I have an endless amount of memories in the pool and outside of it. There was that time we snuck goldfish to our lane and smacked the entire practice, all the meets we spent freaking out, the time we poured water
on our heads so our moms thought we went to practice, or our senior relay that we swam in matching fish caps. There were other times when our swim friend group ventured outside the aquatic arena, eating birthday breakfasts and fifth-period lunches, or the times we spent taking trips to places like New Buffalo and Springfield. One time, we even got within six feet of Dua Lipa. And the strangest part is, I can accredit all of that to swim, something that I don’t even like. The best way to describe it is that we hated it, but we hated it together, which is what originally bonded us.
To me, swimming is synonymous with tears, cold, and anxiety. But, if I could go back I wouldn’t change my decision because it is also synonymous with early mornings on fifth avenue, late-night movies the Sugar Factory, and so, so much laughter. The people that I have met are the first ones I text when something exciting happens, and have become some of my favorite people in the world. So, even though I dislike the sport, it deserves a heartfelt thank you, for teaching me perseverance and giving me some of my best friends.
Hello Joanna, this is such a beautiful blog post! Similar to you and your siblings , I chose Dance as my sport path but my sister chose Tennis. While they are very different sports, it shows that we have different passions. It’s crazy we made such a big decision at a young age, but had no idea how much it would consume our lives the following years. I know that swim is a huge commitment as you guys have morning practice, sometimes afternoon practice, and then meets! I am sorry you associate swim with the feeling of anxiety, pressure, and self doubt throughout the years. I totally understand what you mean about when switching to competitive field can cause an insurmountable amount of anxiety, that has also happened to me with dance. One day dance is fun and a form of expression but the next it is filled with self doubt and comparison. Despite this feeling, there has still been some good memories from dance. Similair to you, I have learned dedication, persistence, and perseverance from dance. I know our sports can cause a lot of mental and physical exhaustion, but I am proud that we kept going even if it was hard. I love that you found your best friends through swim, I know it feels great bonding with people over your sport.
Joanna,
Maybe your fear of being forced to jump into lava and your love hate relationship with swimming are related!
Hi Joanna!
Before you left to pursue swimming, I remember playing park district soccer with you; you were missed!
It was interesting to hear about your athletic narrative after our stories diverged; I never had any experience with competitive swim although I’ve heard the horror stories of the frigid temperatures and long hours. The freshman year swim unit was enough of a dip in the pool for me. I remember the mutual shrieks as we descended into the water; I swear there was no heating in the winter.
I relate to hearing about your performance anxiety. I participated in track in 8th grade, and it remains one of my worst experiences. I am not built for speed! Continuing to put yourself in an environment that challenges you is commendable; you don’t grow when you are comfortable. But I know from experience how hard it is to be the worst in the room, and I respect you for your perseverance.
I’m glad to hear you found people to lean on through it. It’s funny how we meet loved ones at times in the most random places- in your case, an environment of contempt. It takes maturity to look at something that pains you and see the light in it.
Hi Joanna! I related heavily to your post, not only because I also hate swimming, but because I also know what it’s like to be the worst at a sport.
I started Wushu in 2017 at 12, much later than most of the people I was practicing with. It should come as no surprise that I was terrible. Like you, my earliest memories are not good ones. Too young to understand all the things my coach would yell at me about and always the worst, Mondays, Tuesdays, Fridays, and Saturdays were the worst times to be me. For 3 hours half the days of the week, I was miserable.
Despite this initial (very high) learning curve, in the past 5 years, I’ve grown to love the sport. I can’t put my finger on when it happened, but I guess there was just a point in time where I stopped hating practice and being scared of my coach and embraced the process. Like you, I’m eternally grateful to the sport for the friends I’ve made. Torturous training has made us indescribably close. If I had the choice, I would pick the Friday nights spent conditioning instead of going to a football game or Winter Breaks where we practiced in the cold instead of going to a tropical destination in a heartbeat.
Hey Joanna! Your blog post was so heartwarming to read. I play tennis, and I completely relate to what you’re saying. There are times when it can be tiring and a struggle to play sports (especially swimming since it’s very intensive (by the way I’m so bad at swimming and gave up after a few years so I admire your persistence)), but I think one of the best parts of us doing athletics in high school is the friends we ended up making. Hearing you talk about bonding with the other girls over a common hatred seems funny but it’s actually so true. When we’re in tough situations or when we step outside our comfort zone, it’s reassuring to have other people who feel the same way and can bond in a mutual dislike. I loved how you described the memories you’ve had such as pouring water on your heads after skipping practices or taking trips and eating out. It’s inspiring that you were able to find such strong friendships and create lasting memories even through the struggles and exhaustion that come with swimming. Your post made me reflect on my own experiences, and I now realize that through a lot of tough times, I’ve also clung to the memories I made with people who went through them with me. You did a great job of showing your growth by describing how your friends impacted you.
Hi Joanna!
I absolutely loved this post and could relate to it so heavily. I remember when I first heard that swim team had to practice at 5:30 AM, I automatically thought “glad that’s not me!” Waking up that early and having to swim in cold water seems like my personal nightmare, making what you do even more impressive. I relate to your anxiety-inducing experiences with sports. I was in dance from 6 to 13 years old, competing for many of those years. I would beat myself up whenever I made a simple mistake because I was incredibly scared of what my strict teacher would say. I have been in gymnastics since I was 10 years old, and I would consider it my main sport. I remember feeling heartbroken every meet I wouldn’t place top 10 at and being in pain constantly. I completely agree with your statement about how bonding over disliking a sport allowed you to create stronger bonds with the people around you. Gymnastics was especially difficult for me my freshman year because I was figuring out how to handle all my schoolwork and extracurriculars, while being in pain literally all the time, but the amazing people on my team and the friendships I had formed made it so much more enjoyable. I loved the details about the specific memories you made with your teammates; pouring water on your heads to trick your moms and being so close to Dua Lipa seems so fun and cool. The amount of perseverance and dedication it takes to do what you do is unbelievably great, and I hope, someday, you can learn to swim without the feeling of constant anxiety, but instead with the serenity that allowed you to choose the sport in the first place. I’m excited to keep up with your posts in the future!
Hey Joanna! I have always admired the dedication you have for swimming. When I took swimming lessons, the moment I became proficient enough not to drown, i decided that I would never swim for a teacher or coach ever again. I prefer sports on land, to say the least. I have definitely heard “there’s no crying in soccer” from a few trainers as well, which makes it especially difficult to feel keep going when I am exhausted and discouraged. From what you have told me and what I am reading now, it is evident how taxing swim can be! I am not a morning person so you could not pay me enough to voluntarily wake up before 6 in the morning to jump into a cold pool and swim laps. Not only that, but to go to class right after? Like I said, I admire your dedication. I imagine that the anxiety before a meet is more stressful than my anxiety before a soccer game because I am on the field with 10 other teammates and, if I make a mistake, I have 90 minutes to make up for it, but I still can related to getting very nervous before a competition. YOU doing swim is worth if for ME because I get to see all over your super cute photos on my instagram feed, which I love so much so thank you for that. I think you are an amazing athlete; you do something I know I never could and you should be super proud of that!