Something that I frequently think about is how much of senior year I’m actually going to remember when I’m 40.
This whole semester, I’ve had this overwhelming fear that I’m not actually doing everything I’m meant to do. I’ve been scared that I’m too hung up on the past; that I take school too seriously, and that my actions are far too insignificant. I fear change.
But when it comes down to it, I’m pretty confident that I’ll view this semester in a relatively positive light. Despite the fact that I say my life is overly bleak now, there have still been some positive changes, including these AP Lit blogs.
Taking the time to reflect on my life, even if I’m just brainstorming ideas, has allowed me to confront my values and my fears.
Looking back on the blogs that I produced, I’m not sure I can state a singular favorite. In fact, I noticed that I started to enjoy writing them more and more as the semester progressed. Each one has its strengths and its weaknesses, from being too rambly to being engaging. Upon reflection, I noticed that a lot of them are lists, which wasn’t entirely intentional, but honestly, it makes sense (I like lists). CRAZY-ART-PERSON-STUFF and Can I Borrow a Pencil? are probably the strongest contenders for being my favorite, because I was talking about a topic that really intrigues me, but it also brought me some joy to reflect on the classes I’ve taken in high school in So Like, Do I Take It?
I can, however, say with confidence that my peers are really creative. Throughout this semester, I have found myself cruising through blogs in my free time, or when I’m in need of some inspiration. There are some topics that I find absolutely ridiculous, but there are also a lot that shock me with their imagination. Sometimes, I wish that I had come up with those ideas first.
Writing these blogs has also taught me that maybe I don’t absolutely hate writing. I’ve always struggled to get my thoughts on paper, which is why I initially started journaling a few years ago, but these blogs have made it easier for me to write. It has definitely become easier and I think I’ve developed a pretty strong style. Actually, I’m not sure I’m going to be able to let go of writing blogs at the end of the year, and this might have to be something that feeds into my future.
But other than these blogs, some good lessons I’ve learned?
I was nominated as an Illinois DECA State Officer. This is something that I never would have imagined I could achieve, and has probably been the best change that has happened. Working with this team has taught me so much about discipline, responsibility, and professionalism. Even though I don’t think I plan on going into business, working in a business environment has brought me a sense of order and peace. And also, I gained 4 new friends.
I went to a Scholastic Bowl tournament. Science Olympiad had a meet the same day Scholastic Bowl was competing, and I guess they really didn’t have anyone else to ask, because somehow I got dragged into this. Still, even though it was just a day’s worth of work, I learned a lot. My complaining was mellowed out by my newfound knowledge of Russian poets, Zach Bryan, sickle cell anemia, and the fact that apparently Adi thinks the Declaration of Independence was signed in NINETEEN-76. I think this was also the most I’ve used my brain in a single day.
And finally, I’ve learned that I don’t necessarily need to have tons of friends. One of my biggest fears going into this school year was that I was losing a majority of my friends and support system (to college), but somehow I’ve managed to stay afloat. I still stand by the fact that those people who told me I’d find “replacements” for my friends are wrong, but they were right about the fact that the world doesn’t end just because people leave. They were also right about the fact that I still have Nichole, who is more than anyone can ask for. Ultimately, when I reflect back on this semester, it’s going to be Nichole that I share my memories with, and I am so utterly grateful for that.
Part of me actually looks forward to next semester. Even though I’m impatiently waiting to leave Naperville North, I know that there will still be unforgettable memories, feelings, and experiences to come—and I hope to continue to share these memories through my blogs.
Hi Kate, thank you! I appreciate the positive review. You are also my baller.
One of your ideas that really resonates with me is our classmates’ incredible creativity. Time and time again, I’ve opened WordPress for a bit of blog idea inspiration, only to leave with the bitter realization that everyone else had amazing ideas that I failed to come up with first. Once, I had a post planned, but I was forced to ditch it because someone else posted about it first.
Your reflections near the beginning of your post are very interesting to me, since I feel the same way about senior year. In the future, if I think about this semester, what am I going to remember? Just the good parts? Or only the screaming and crying? In reality, I’ll probably have very few memories, which is where my experience differs a little from yours. Since I already have one foot out the door, my sole goal for next semester is to live a little more. Maybe that’ll be what I recall when I’m 40.
Hi Kate,
To start off, reading your blogs has always been an enjoyable experience. Each one is slightly odd. I would also like to say I think about my forties — hopefully we are still sane. Like all the other blogs I have responded to and one I already wrote about, it seems that we all share this common rebirth for writing after the blogs. Also glad to see the mention of Zach Bryan: this year has also been a 180 flip for my music taste. I feel that this rebirth definitely has to do something with the flexibility, which ironically, many people said earlier this year that the lack of had killed their love for writing and reading. It’s good to see your involvement throughout the clubs at school — sad to see BPA didn’t make the cut. Congratulations on the DECA State Officer position though, you deserve it! Overall, I am in the same boat as you: next semester is something to await despite the lack of schedule change.
Hi Kate, this was an interesting read. I too, in the past, have struggled to get words on the paper, but the blogs and other assignments in AP lit and just throughout highschool in general have helped me in this regard. I also looked at other people’s blogs to get inspiration when I did mine the day it was due, and it maybe helped a little bit, but unlike you, I think that a lot of stuff that people were writing about were not really things that I would write about, and so I just came up with my own idea when writing my blog. Lastly, I would agree mostly with your last point in your blog, that you do not necessarily have to have a ton of friends. For me too, I feel this way and I am trying not to be scared of the future. I am more excited for the future and college to meet new people and hopefully start a brand new “chapter”.
Hi Kate, great post! Your blogs are always fun to read – you have a way of writing that’s engaging, flows smoothly, and brings up new ideas every time. Some things you described in this post definitely resonate with me. First of all, you’re right that some people in our class are crazy creative and insightful – it shows in their blog posts! Sometimes, I’ll be reading and realize my mouth is agape or I’m holding my breath. Also, I get the sentiments about friends leaving. It’s hard when people have to go, and there’s pain that can’t be escaped – it’ll be there no matter what you do. However, with the right support system, losses become much more manageable. It seems like you’ve had a pretty eventful first semester! Scholastic Bowl is always such a funny (and slightly wild) experience, and getting DECA state officer is also so cool. Thanks for sharing!