My unimaginably stressful week has been a fitting end to the worst semester of my life. I’m pretty sure I’ve been terrible to be around all semester. Constant stress and sleep deprivation combined to make me constantly fatigued but really easily annoyed, so to everyone who’s had to put up with that: I’m actually very sorry.
My mental stability was iffy all semester, but it definitely reached a new high (or low I guess) this past week. I don’t think I’ve ever been more stressed. A disappointing early decision, finals week with my borderline MVC grade, my other college applications that I now had to complete, all of it had me crying – literally. But despite there being so many this
week, I don’t actually remember any of the bad instances. All I recall clearly are a few moments of undeserved kindness: my parents assuring me that they still loved me, Ivy letting me sit with her during her study hall after I started crying during lunch, Tyler sending a really encouraging text out of the blue a couple hours before I opened my decision, Zach telling me not to worry because I ‘got that dog in me’. I cried a lot this week from stress, but I think I cried more from feeling touched.
Maybe I’m just in a sentimental mood because of the holidays or maybe I’m just delusional after sleeping very little and crying a whole lot, but I’m feeling extremely grateful in addition to just sad. While I tend to want to stay independent, I don’t think I would have gotten through this semester without constant help and encouragement. So thank you to everybody who provided that for me.
More than anything else, this past semester and especially this last week taught me to ask for help and to not feel bad about accepting it.
At the beginning of this semester, my parents enlisted a family friend to help me edit my personal essay. It’s difficult to describe how awkward asking for tips about your personal essay on a Zoom call with a 35 year old architect living in LA that you don’t know is. It’s even more awkward getting on the Zoom call again the week after and listening to him tear it apart. Even though his comments made me want to crawl in a hole and die so I could reincarnate as someone who just has an affinity for writing, I’m really glad my parents forced me to ask him for help. He spent an incredible amount of time on an essay for someone he doesn’t know (I looked at the edit history a couple of weeks ago and I think it was a total of 6 hours?) or have anything to give him. I’m not going to lie, I felt really bad about his effort despite his many assurances that he was ‘doing this willingly’ and that ‘it was kind of fun’ for him. But no amount of guilt I have can compare to the benefit of having him guide me through my essay.
My lunch Zoom calls with and constant emails to architecture guy started the theme of being okay with help that I’ve seen develop through the rest of my semester. Even though I’ve learned to not do everything on my own, I still feel immensely guilty when I ask for help. But I’m so glad there are people in my life who don’t think twice before offering up aid.
I doubt I’ll need as much support next semester since I’ll be done with my college applications (the only real major cause of stress in my life), and I really hope that I’m just generally less sad. But I’m sure there will be times in the future where I will once again feel like Eeyore and won’t be able to do things on my own. In that case, I’ll remember back to this semester and unabashedly ask for help.
2 Comments
Hi Kathryn! I’m glad I started to consistently read and comment on your blog! It has been very entertaining. I’m sorry to hear that this sis the worst semester of your life. If it makes you feel any better, this is the best academic semester I’ve had in high school (if I keep my As after finals). Do you find the holidays to be stressful and make you sentimental? It is good to reach out and ask people for help when you need it. It can build connections but it is alsojust good to get things of your chest sometimes. I can understand but not really relate to your story about a 35 year old architect living in LA editing your personal essay. Mind you, it is personal. Lastly, I hope that you get into your colleges that you applied too! It would be great conclusion to senior year if all of your hard work in your applications paid off, but don’t be too disheartened if you don’t get into a few of them. I know you were extremely ambitious (not that you aren’t qualified but some schools are extremely selective as you already know.) Good luck, I will be rooting for you!
Kathryn, I feel like I’m very similar in the sense that I have always been an independent person that is reluctant to ask for help. When I was younger, this didn’t hurt me because I could usually figure things out on my own. Now that I’m taking MVC, it is a different story. For me personally, there are times when I had no idea what was going on. This class forced me to ask for help from Mrs. Moore, which I sometimes hated doing because I either felt like I was asking a dumb question or felt even dumber if she explained something and I still did not understand. I now realize the value in asking others for help and I am pretty confident in saying I’m the only one that thinks I’m dumb for asking questions in the first place. This is an attitude I will have to continue to work on throughout the next semester. I think my friends have been part of my salvation this semester as the laughs we shared helped me forget about the stress of college applications. I don’t think I’ve ever laughed as much with friends during my whole high school career as I have in this semester and it has provided me so much joy. I hope next semester goes well for you and causes you much less sadness.