I’ve heard so many people complain about how stupid astrology is, claiming that the stars and planets have nothing to do with who you are and how your future will be. People often say the traits assigned to each sign and the content of daily horoscopes are way too general, causing those who wholeheartedly believe in astrology to be victims of confirmation bias. I agree with these statements to some extent, but I can’t deny that completely baseless Instagram posts are extremely entertaining to me, like this one:
It almost leaves me speechless. Sadly, I don’t think I can ever be truly unable to speak. I cannot stop myself and sometimes it is an issue. Anyway, I could totally see myself, a Libra sun, as Classic Lay’s!
Astrology is a concept beyond my and most likely everyone reading this post’s understanding, something that takes years to learn and master, something much deeper than the 60-second summaries on Tiktok. There are many different types of astrology with deep roots in various Eastern cultures. Unfortunately, I am not here today to inform you of anything potentially useful. Instead, since I am at the center of the universe and everything revolves around me, I’ve decided to create my own form of astrology!
Sludge: December 26 through January 22
Sludgians can be described as energetic, whimsical, and carefree. They prioritize honesty over anything, causing them to seem a bit cold at times, but know their words will benefit you in the long run.
Jughead Jones: January 23 through February 18
Jughead Jonians tend to have a very unique view of the world, always questioning the meaning behind life itself. These extraordinary thinkers seldom fixate on the material items surrounding them, preferring to engage in much more introspective activities.
Middle School Track Team: February 19 through March 2
Track Teamians are the ones who are most reliant on human connection. Always seeing the good in people, they tend to be used for their kindness. These people should work on saying “no” more often, ensuring that they won’t spread themselves too thin.
Lightning McQueen: March 3 through April 27
McQueenians are able to approach situations with immense creativity. Their ability to think through all possibilities critically causes them to feel stubborn about their findings. If a McQueenian disagrees with you, trust that they know what they’re talking about.
Shein Haul: April 28 through May 31
Shein Haulians love to reach for the sky, aiming for those achievements that seem just out of reach. Once they achieve one goal, they immediately move onto the next, never fully soaking in the satisfaction of their achievements.
Crumbl Cookies Almost Everything Bagel: June 1 through June 24
Bagelians are extremely misunderstood. There is too much racing through their minds for the common person to understand, causing many outsiders to believe they are cold and unforgiving. In reality, Bagelians have a soft side only very few can reach.
Friesian Horse: June 25 through August 1
Friesians end up mirroring those around them, having a strong desire to please any person they come in contact with. Friesians must remember to stay true to their own values and prioritize their own comfort above anyone else’s.
Play-Doh Penguin: August 2 through August 22
Penguinians are extremely bold, always loving to make a statement; however, their opinions are very malleable, tending to be warped by those around them. Penguinians should focus on personal consistency over all else.
TI-84: August 23 through September 12
84ians are logical, facing each tough situation with a clear, compartmentalized mind. They should work on letting go of their responsibilities and should focus on taking out time for themselves.
R2D2: September 13 through September 28
D2ians seem flimsy from afar, always following the lead of others, when in reality, they are some of the bravest. Their loyalty towards the people closest to them demonstrates the true warmth of their nature.
Aluminum in Microwave: September 29 through November 14
Microwavians love to find fun in everything they do, often making rash and immature decisions. These people are lifelong friends and will stick with you through thick and thin.
Dasani Water: November 15 through December 25
Dasani Waterians often go against the grain, always ready to express themselves to others and joke around with whoever they meet. Despite their nature, they will always be there for you in times of need.
All of these descriptions are based on random assumptions, applying to almost anyone who reads them because of how vague and mildly cryptic they are. I made random intervals and assigned names to each by scrolling through my camera roll, with the exception of my own because I wanted to be R2D2! People love to hear exactly what they want to hear (i.e. “you’re too hardworking,” “you’re too kind to those around you,” and “you should take more time for yourself’), which is why these horoscopes tend to appeal to those looking for answers and comfort. Instead of turning to these overgeneralized descriptions to feel a sense of belonging, we should take the time to acknowledge the situations we are in, our strengths, and our weaknesses to learn how to grow.