Author: rpande

I have been feeling incredibly scattered lately, and a lot of it is caused by a lack of closure. Soon, I will leave behind the extracurriculars I’ve been dedicating time to for years, the house I’ve lived in my whole life, and my parents, whom I overwhelm with details of my entire day every day. I feel like I’m in an uncomfortable space between everything.

Instead of writing one cohesive memoir or diving deep into one concept, I think my mind can only spew out a collection of rambling thoughts through incomplete stories. 

CAMERAS

I never liked how my dad would always stop us from taking pictures. Every new location, every school event, every step we’d take would be documented on my dad’s various Canon cameras. I’d be walking through a crowded space packed with tourists I’d never see again when my dad insisted that we stop in front of the statues and fountains and buildings and trees lined up on an unmemorable street. 

I wouldn’t even see the pictures until years after they were taken. Maybe I could have seen them earlier, but I never asked. 

I never liked how my friends would care so much about taking pictures. Pictures of the moon, of fireworks, of trees. Maybe I just didn’t like pictures of trees. Maybe that’s what I’m figuring out here. I didn’t understand the appeal of taking photos, and I never liked any picture of myself.

Eventually, though, I did like pictures of myself, but only particular ones. I learned to hit that perfect smile in that sweet spot between awkwardness and over-enthusiasm. I recently learned how to stand with that fake confidence you have to hold with you until you forget your faking it, and it turns into something real, but then when you remember you’re faking it, the realness fades away, and you’re just lying to everyone again. I can smile with that slight tilt to show my good side, or maybe I can get a photo from a silly 0.5 angle, but if my smile looks even a tiny bit forced, I will convince myself that I am faking everything. 

I was in Disneyland a few days ago when I took one of my friends’ digital cameras. I immediately fell in love with how it felt to click a physical button that captures images that don’t need to highlight every detail about a person’s appearance but instead capture a grainy reminder of the memory formed. I became obsessed with taking pictures of my friends and the signs around me and, yes, even the trees with that small Canon PowerShot. I loved to see everyone and everything glow with that specific nostalgia that comes with seeing an image from over ten years ago. 

Unfortunately, I couldn’t stand seeing myself in these pictures. 

I don’t know what this means. 

SHAMPOO BOTTLES

Whenever I hear the song Shampoo Bottles by Peach Pit, I feel overwhelming sadness. It’s one of the songs I became really attached to during a rough time, so every time I hear it, even when feeling perfectly normal, I start to feel similar to how I felt during that time. The lyrics do a great job at demonstrating the regret you feel when someone is out of your life forever or seemingly forever, and you can’t seem to do anything about it, having the inability to reach out to someone you really love, as well as the shame of not being able to shake off these feelings. 

I remember having a playlist specifically for crying in middle school, but I currently don’t have one because I’ve been trying not to encourage this feeling of catharsis. 

Maybe one day I’ll make another crying playlist, but I don’t know if I should. 

GERMANS

I’ve really been trying to stick with this theme for my headings, but I cannot lie; it is getting a bit difficult. 

Recently, I participated in North’s German exchange program, where a German student got to live with me for two weeks, and I’ll get to live with them for two weeks. This was such a new experience for me, so I had no idea what to expect, but I ended up having a fantastic time with my partner Sarah and her friends, and I became incredibly close with the other American students. 

Sarah is one of the sweetest and most patient people I’ve ever met, so I loved every moment I spent with her. Coincidentally, both of us are very much not punctual, so it was really fun being 30 minutes late to everything we went to. I loved having a buddy to do everything with and spending almost every day with the whole group was incredibly fun.

One of the most amazing things from this exchange was the shared Spotify playlist a few German and American students and I made together called frauen. This 11-hour playlist contains all our favorite songs, English and German, and significantly broadened my taste in music. I have no idea how our music matched so beautifully to create this singular, all-encompassing work of art. 

I’m both excited and nervous about living in Germany for 3 weeks since it’ll be my first time away from my parents for that long, and I’ll have to speak almost entirely in German in a completely foreign country. 

I don’t know how it will go, but I’ll be fine. 

CONCLUSIONS (???)

I’ve found a lot of peace in focusing on feeling every moment without being able to explain what I’m feeling or anticipate what’s coming next. It’s nice to know that I don’t know everything and can take the time to let the future reveal itself to me. The less complete things are, the more they’ll start to make sense. 

I don’t know what’s to come, but I am hopeful.

Over spring break, three of my friends and I went to Hilton Head in South Carolina. I loved the pleasant weather, the beautiful nature, our Airbnb with one of the comfiest beds I’ve ever slept in, and, of course, being able to travel by bike to (almost) anywhere we needed. It was a delightful experience, and I would definitely recommend it to anyone considering going.

Going to the airport in Savannah, Georgia, from the Airbnb would only be an hour’s drive. We were leaving for the airport at around 3 PM and were well-rested from the night before, so we didn’t even consider the possibility of falling asleep on the way. Getting a ride to the airport was more complicated than we expected. We tried to get an Uber multiple times, but the app kept crashing. Almost immediately after switching to Lyft, we found an offer cheaper than what we were expecting. Our future driver had given over 3,000 rides and had a perfect 5-star rating. All comments were about the ride being extremely smooth and relaxing, so this seemed like the ideal option.

Our driver seemed like a pretty regular guy. We could feel how comfortable the seats of his car were and felt the smoothness of the ride the comments mentioned. A few minutes after some small talk, the driver told us that most people leave his car more sleepy than when they came in. The rest of the ride was a haze.

I fell into the music he was playing, which was the most relaxing combination of soft rock and blues I’d heard. Again, I didn’t intend to sleep during this ride, and I wasn’t even feeling sleepy in any way, but I began drifting into sleep without realizing it until later. After seemingly a few seconds of this, Ashley (Chen) tapped my shoulder to let me know she could finally remember an important username she forgot while she felt herself falling asleep. We were surprised and joked about this briefly but returned to our own zones a few moments later. I don’t even remember falling asleep, and I have never been able to fall asleep sitting up straight. All I remember is listening closely to the music, feeling immersed, and eventually reaching a state of enlightenment. I wish I was kidding about the enlightenment part, but I genuinely felt all my fears for life washing away on a level I had never experienced before. At some point, I woke up and saw we were 10 minutes away from the airport. For some reason, I felt extremely relaxed and well-rested after this short nap. We got to the airport, and all were confused about what that ride was.

All four of us discussed the situation once we left the car. Apparently, we all fell asleep at around the same time, all having a specific memory about the last song we heard, and we all woke up at the same time, as in 10 minutes away from our destination. In addition, we all felt well-rested, almost like we got a whole night’s rest, and were weirdly giggly right after. So yes, this was not good and could’ve ended so badly. I am so shocked that we didn’t get kidnapped since literally all four of us were asleep.

What really got me was when Ashley, who had constantly said throughout the trip that she could never fall asleep in a car or plane, literally fell asleep next to us. Also, she told us she was actively trying to stay awake to ensure we were safe, even following the directions on her phone to confirm the Lyft was taking us to the right place. Even then, she fell asleep.

At this point, I almost entirely believed we were hypnotized, and after the hypnosis show today, Ashley and I were wholly convinced. Hypnosis usually occurs when an expectation is set about how you will feel. This action was in effect when the driver told us most people feel more sleepy after the ride. Also, hypnosis can help you uncover memories you didn’t know you had and shift core beliefs. In this case, Ashley could remember her login information, and I felt clarity in my fears. We all fell into this trance and snapped out of it simultaneously without a clear cue, and we all felt recharged after. Music supports hypnosis greatly, allowing different brain parts to be activated. The songs the driver played definitely played a significant component in whatever trance we entered because we all came out distinctly remembering what we were listening to.

If you want to get a taste of the songs our driver played for us, Ashley found two of them: Harvest Moon by Lord Huron and Carolina in My Mind by James Taylor. Anyways, I hope I’m wrong about everything, and we actually weren’t hypnotized in a Lyft in South Carolina because if we were, that would be crazy, right?

I was in the car with my sister a few months ago when we began to discuss our childhood obsessions. They started out normal: Mario Kart, Spongebob, Minecraft, you know, the usual stuff. Unfortunately, our list was soon filled with some of the most obscure interests that I had buried away for a long time. I forgot about this conversation until I saw Elyse’s blog post on her childhood internet obsessions and related to the absurdity of it. Since every blog post of mine seems to reveal more than I would intend, I’m assuming this won’t be any different!

iFly

I am really putting myself on blast here because this is so incredibly embarrassing and confusing. I literally do not know how it’s possible to become obsessed with an indoor skydiving place. The high pressure wind absolutely attacking my face and the unsettling sound that was barely blocked out by the earplugs just did something for me, I guess. This obsession took place during fourth and fifth grade, so it’s not like I could do any tricks by myself. I would be in an air chamber with someone assisting me with flying around, up and down, in circles. You can tell this obsession was bad by the way I’m tempted to return and try again, but I know I should resist and not let myself spiral, figuratively and literally. I feel like it costs a good amount of money, so going there once for the experience makes sense but going there a good five times within a few weeks might not.

Bungee Jumping at the Mall

I was talking to a friend about this obsession a few days ago and she said, “yeah, you seem like the type of person to be obsessed with bungee jumping at the mall.” This obviously did not entail in actual bungee jumping, as in jumping upside down from a high ledge, but instead jumping on the mall trampoline! I was really good at it, though, I swear. The bungee cords in the mall would let you jump really high, so I would do a bunch of flips in the air. My mom would take me so frequently in third and fourth grade and just let me flip. I really do not know why my parents were so supportive of these hobbies. The same guy worked there every day and he did not like me. To make matters worse, one day I flipped so hard one of the bungee cords snapped. I hope he’s doing well.

Trophies and Medals

I would have done anything to receive trophies, especially as a four-year-old. I remember seeing my sister win a trophy through our local Bollywood dance studio. It was beautiful, stunning, and all I ever wanted. My sister, who was ten at the time, would keep her trophy so closely. I would beg her to let me touch it, but she said I would ruin it. Then, she gave my favorite tiara to it and started complimenting how beautiful the trophy looked with the tiara on it. I was determined to get a trophy for myself, so I joined Bollywood dance at the age of five. That very year, my dance teacher stopped giving out trophies, and we could only receive them by getting onto the competing team and winning trophies at competitions. This promise drove me to work a lot harder, leading me to get onto one of the competing teams and finally win the trophies I had always wanted. Doing dance led me to join gymnastics, where I also became extremely fixated on winning medals. Whenever I didn’t place top 10, I suffered a massive breakdown. Does this say anything about my need for external validation? No, I don’t think so.

Lightning McQueen Car

This one is more of a cute one than any of the other ones, and I feel like the contrast is necessary to balance everything out. In Kindergarten, my parents got me this beautiful Lightning McQueen car that moves forward when you press on the gas pedal and backwards when you press on I guess the anti-gas-pedal-but-not-really. I loved it for many years, and it was electric so I was for sure ahead of the game. When I was fully in middle school, my dad gave the car away to a family friend without warning and I cried a bit too much. I will love you forever, Lightning.

Pandas but to a much more strange extent

I was so crazy about pandas to the point where it got kind of weird. I had dozens of panda stuffed animals, panda-related clothing, profile pictures and wallpapers of pandas, advertisements with pandas in them, the pandas in Ke$ha’s Just Dance songs, and panda-related usernames (RealPandaLover, KillerPanda, and, probably the worst one, WeirdPanda50000). Even all of this seems okay enough, but what motivated me to include this obsession was one picture somewhere out there of my 40-something panda stuffed animals, including three that were as big as me, and me wearing a Justice panda zip-up hoodie blending in with them. Currently, I do not know where the picture is, but, if I find it, trust that I’ll update this post.

It’s nice to reflect on the once greatly important interests in my life and see how much I’ve grown from then. I still have an attachment to these things I once loved maybe a bit too much, so I view them as building blocks to my current personality and pieces of my past.

As I read the poem “Lullaby” by Francisco Márquez for the first time, I felt it didn’t exactly resemble the poems we read in class. Initially, it seemed more like what would be found in a children’s book, similar to what my elementary school teachers would read to us. A resemblance I did find between the poems we’ve read in class, especially the works of Emily Dickenson, and this poem was how the middle stanzas wouldn’t conclude on a complete sentence, causing the previous stanza to flow into the next. This poem seemed straightforward enough in the first two and a half stanzas, only really prompting me to figure out the more profound meaning in the last stanza and a half.

I immediately noticed some details about this poem, including its title, “Lullaby,” and its organized structure that made it easy to read. Based on the title, I believed the poem would be calming and lyrical, possibly without a meaning that’s too hidden. After reading the poem, I realized the importance of the lullaby for both the boy and the speaker. The speaker, who we can assume is young based on their mother singing to them when they are unable to sleep, has something the boy within the lullaby does not have, being the method of achieving peace and rest. Using words with a dreamlike connotation such as “flown,” “heaven,” “doves,” and “music,” the tone of the poem stays peaceful throughout and invokes a relaxing feeling. The poem is broken down into four clearly defined stanzas separated by white space. Each of the four stanzas has four lines, displaying the security in knowing what comes next and the general cyclical nature of the poem. The poem reads more like a short story with two main characters, the speaker being sung to and the boy in the lullaby, instead of having a lyrical feel. I felt as though this feeling was intentional because it didn’t give us, the audience, the speaker’s direct experience, but instead put us in the shoes of the boy who isn’t able to achieve that peace. The poem demonstrates the boy’s cycle of repeatedly climbing up and down the tower, showing how he yearns for the idea of heaven. To clarify this cycle, the author repeats the word “everyday” when talking about him climbing both ways. Since he goes up and down the tower daily, he returns to where he started every time. By thinking about this idea of going back to where one started, I found another reference to this cyclical nature when the poem starts off talking about the speaker, then describes the story of the boy, then goes back to the speaker, resembling the idea of the boy being down, going up, and coming back down.

I initially found this poem difficult in various places, especially the last stanza, because I was interpreting the boy wanting to be “flown to heaven” as a more literal reference of wanting to pass away instead of interpreting it as him wanting to reach peace. I was fixating on details like the meaning behind the blue doves or the repeated idea of flying, but I found that these details weren’t as integral to understanding the meaning of the poem as a whole. To combat this confusion about the purpose of the story of the boy in the lullaby, I began thinking about heaven as a reference to eternal peace and satisfaction. I paid heavy attention to the last stanza to understand how it ties into the poem’s meaning and eventually found the most clarity in the line that confused me the most, being “where music waits to be sung.” This one line greatly connects the speaker and the boy by showing how the boy is waiting for his own lullaby. The speaker, feeling restless at the start, is calmed into sleep by the lullaby their mom sings. I began realizing this lullaby was their method of transport, their wings to be flown into a world of relaxation, one that the boy in the lullaby did not have. This new knowledge of the poem makes the reread much smoother, even making more sense of the line where the speaker thought of “what it was like for him, wingless,” because the speaker can’t relate to the struggles of not having wings to take them to sleep. I can still not find full clarity in the section “his second life repeating in the otherworld.” This part comes right before the music waiting to be sung, which is why I couldn’t exactly tell what the second life and otherworld are referring to. Either the otherworld could mean the heaven the boy is yearning for, which doesn’t entirely make sense because why would the music need to be sung after the boy has already found peace, or it could mean at the top of the tower where he is reaching for heaven, waiting for the music. The otherworld could also mean the world separate from the speaker rather than another world of the boy since this poem is from the speaker’s perspective. Figuring out what exactly the otherworld means would aid in figuring out what “his second life” is referring to, which could be his life after achieving peace.

The seemingly direct indirectness of this poem makes it more impactful than just being outright simple or difficult, which is why I have grown to love its whimsical nature of being as complex as you make it.

Over the past four months, I have gotten sick on three separate occasions. Honestly, I find this pretty impressive, like, I haven’t heard of anyone around me doing this much so I guess I’m just built different or something. Anyway, here’s how I would rate the last three times I’ve been sick!

October 23 to October 27: ???

This era was a bit suspicious, like, I could not tell you what illness this was. I definitely blocked it out from my memory but I vaguely remember being in pain. I thought it was bad at the time but had no idea what was about to occur in the coming weeks. I would rate this sickness a 4/10 since it was pretty uneventful in itself and occurred at an emotional time in my life, making me even more sad. 

November 12 to November 18: Covid-19 x Flu Crossover Event

I started to feel some concerning symptoms while doing cardio conditioning for gymnastics. We were running laps up and down the stairs when I started to think to myself about how the distinct feeling of pain in my legs felt similar to when I got Covid the previous year (which I caught from going out once in the span of two weeks to Home Depot). Instead of taking this as a sign that something was up, I thought I was absolutely bulking my legs and straight up gaining. This adrenaline rush caused me to run even faster with a crazy high amount of energy. I didn’t feel much initially. I got home and laid down on my couch, feeling okay until I realized that I was unable to get up. My legs felt extremely weak and I could not support my weight. The immediate care doctors told me I probably had Covid or the flu, which I understood, but getting the little pdf uploaded on MyChart saying I was positive for both was incredibly shocking. I really didn’t think I could achieve that much if I’m being honest. I was so frustrated because a) I was in so much pain and b) I was literally going to get my second Covid booster that week. 

It was fine, though. I was taking medicine frequently and my parents were serving me meals in bed because I obviously could not leave my room. Eventually, I decided to check my temperature and resting heart rate, which was 103.5 degrees Fahrenheit and 120 bpm, respectively. These numbers freaked my parents, doctor, and I out, causing me to get admitted into the ER. Thankfully, nothing else was wrong with me and it was just the Covid and flu! 

I would rate this sickness a 9/10 because she really came for the drama and gave it her all. Getting both illnesses at the same time kind of felt like the Hannah Montana x Suite Life on Deck x Wizards of Waverly Place Disney Channel crossover episode. The timing was pretty convenient, as well, and I somehow didn’t fall too far behind in school. Unfortunately, she did lose a point for being a bit too painful but other than that she served. 

January 12 to January 19: Cute RSV Moment

This sickness was more irritating than anything. I fully thought I had a cute, casual cold for like four days until it just got so much worse. I feel like I rushed through this illness because once I stopped being contagious I just started going to gymnastics again and competing like nothing happened. I just had my Senior Night earlier tonight and, although there were multiple instances where I felt like I couldn’t breathe, I got some pretty high scores. I would rate this illness a 2/10 because it was just an inconvenience that was painful. 

In conclusion, my message to everyone is to stay safe and make sure you’re prioritizing your health over anything else. Hopefully, once winter is over I’ll stop getting sick every month but I guess we’ll just have to see!

This semester, I have learned to prioritize myself and my personal needs before dedicating myself to my academic priorities. If I am too tired to study for a test, I’ll sleep and see what I can do in the morning. If I feel like I can’t handle doing any more work, I’ll take an hour break away from it. If I feel sick, I’ll take the rest I need and let myself relax. Focusing on living in the moment has allowed me to grow personally and academically. Now, I feel a lot more secure and proud of my grades. I take time to reflect on my feelings by journaling and talking to my friends and family. My headspace is clear because I allow myself to indulge in whatever I feel necessary at the moment. 

I have been through a few unfortunate events this semester, but giving myself time to recover and rest has helped my healing process greatly. Sometimes, it’s better to miss school for a day instead of continuing a harmful cycle of waking up, going to school, and doing work until late at night. 

An important lesson I have heard of before but have only recently implemented was the idea that nothing is accomplished without an active start. If you don’t actively work to do something, whether it be starting a new puzzle, going on that first run, or joining a new club, you’ll never get anything done, never finish the puzzle, never run a marathon, never win awards. Of course, starting something new won’t guarantee that you’ll achieve your highest goal, but you can’t get there without a starting point. That said, this does not mean you always have to be active and always have to be trying something new. Dedicating time for rest and recovery is extremely important, as well.

This semester, I have worked hard to achieve a balance between work and relaxation. A feeling I have always absolutely dreaded is when I am so overwhelmed with all I need to do that I cannot even do anything. This situation creates a cycle where I am overly stressed with my work but can’t even bring myself to start, and then I get overwhelmed about not being able to start, then I get even more stressed. In order to avoid this feeling, I clearly distinguish between time to work and time to relax. Every day I make sure to give myself enough time to rest and recover, even if that means staring into space for a bit. Then, I give myself time to work without distractions. Having a clear intention allows me to fully indulge in whatever I need to do. I find multitasking extremely unproductive and more overwhelming than anything else. I used to find myself partaking in tasks like watching TV while eating, doing two homework assignments at once, or even playing a video game and having a TV show split-screened side-by-side on my device. By doing these things, I was no longer living in the moment or with a true intention. 

For students going into senior year, I would say relax. Let yourself do work as it comes. A quote that I find telling is from Annie Dillard, who said, “how we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives.” When you think about it too much, it starts to feel a bit sad. Our individual lives don’t have to be spent achieving the most accomplishments, competing with others, or earning the most money. All we should focus on is living a life that’s best for us, which means allowing ourselves to be happy and find joy in everything we do. There’s no point taking every word people say, every media we consume, and every grade that we get as seriously as we often do. We should grow to become better versions of ourselves, care about the people around us, and learn how to let ourselves love fully.

I’ve never been able to tell if I’m more of an optimistic or pessimistic person. How can anyone tell about themselves? Shouldn’t they be their own baseline? If someone claims to be a pessimist, that means they know they’re being overly negative when they think the worst will always happen, so wouldn’t the acknowledgment prove that they know these worse-case scenarios aren’t realistic? Even if this realization of their identity comes after assuming something bad will happen and finding out it didn’t, that means they were being pessimistic at that moment but now know what they believed to occur was just an unrealistic outcome. Same with saying you’re an optimist; it kind of feels contradictory. Writing this only confuses me more, so I can’t imagine how this would read to someone who isn’t inside my head. For that, I apologize.

I’ve been told by multiple people that I’m an optimist, being overly confident that positive things will occur in my life. In reality, I don’t actually believe a lot of the things I say. I say many things just to say them, and it’s so fun. A lot of the time, I’m not just lying to others; I’m lying to myself. Yesterday when talking to my friends about the UC application due at 11:59 PM PST that day, I told them I “just knew” the deadline was going to be pushed back by a day like it has in the past. Stating this out loud only solidified my false belief. I didn’t “just know” anything. I rarely “know” anything to begin with. This belief definitely impacted me negatively, resulting in me submitting the application at the very last minute, but it’s often more helpful than one may think. Before a college interview, I told myself that I had already got in and that doing this was just a formality. I believed in this false statement so much that I went in much more confident in my abilities, allowing me to speak much more conversationally and not focus on the possibility of not getting in. 

Like most people, how I view the world is highly tainted by the content I interact with on social media. I have viewed many posts of people telling their audience that they become more likely to achieve their goals by convincing themselves that they’ve already been completed. My favorite account on Instagram that seems to adhere to this viewpoint is @afffirmations. Their posts include text like “I will not google symptoms today,” “feelings are mentionable and manageable,” and “I am not stuck in a 2017 pop song,” with bright images that don’t seem to correlate to the text. I find all of their posts strangely helpful by the way they turn unpleasant events into optimistic and funny sayings. This account has greatly inspired me to make extremely specific or relevant images of my own, being the ones spread out throughout this post. Instead of directly handling my emotions, I like to just deny them, hoping if I do, I’ll eventually stop feeling them. Luckily, making these edits help greatly! Allowing myself to type up my wishes or deny any inconvenience I am facing at the moment and placing this text over a poorly edited image always seems to give me more hope for the future. I can’t fully explain these, but I know they make complete sense to me. 

Ever since I was little, I have been profoundly concentrating on the phrase “it’s not about the destination but the journey” because it is literally so real. I believe there’s little harm in allowing yourself to enjoy the process without having a known, solidified outcome since life is all about enjoying the little journeys, not how much you accomplish. Allow yourself to believe you did well on your test before you get your grade back. Allow yourself to not prepare for a stressful presentation if you feel like you need rest. Allow yourself to enjoy the journey without rushing towards the destination.

I’ve heard so many people complain about how stupid astrology is, claiming that the stars and planets have nothing to do with who you are and how your future will be. People often say the traits assigned to each sign and the content of daily horoscopes are way too general, causing those who wholeheartedly believe in astrology to be victims of confirmation bias. I agree with these statements to some extent, but I can’t deny that completely baseless Instagram posts are extremely entertaining to me, like this one:

It almost leaves me speechless. Sadly, I don’t think I can ever be truly unable to speak. I cannot stop myself and sometimes it is an issue. Anyway, I could totally see myself, a Libra sun, as Classic Lay’s!

Astrology is a concept beyond my and most likely everyone reading this post’s understanding, something that takes years to learn and master, something much deeper than the 60-second summaries on Tiktok. There are many different types of astrology with deep roots in various Eastern cultures. Unfortunately, I am not here today to inform you of anything potentially useful. Instead, since I am at the center of the universe and everything revolves around me, I’ve decided to create my own form of astrology!

 

Sludge: December 26 through January 22

Sludgians can be described as energetic, whimsical, and carefree. They prioritize honesty over anything, causing them to seem a bit cold at times, but know their words will benefit you in the long run. 

 

Jughead Jones: January 23 through February 18

Jughead Jonians tend to have a very unique view of the world, always questioning the meaning behind life itself. These extraordinary thinkers seldom fixate on the material items surrounding them, preferring to engage in much more introspective activities.

 

Middle School Track Team: February 19 through March 2

Track Teamians are the ones who are most reliant on human connection. Always seeing the good in people, they tend to be used for their kindness. These people should work on saying “no” more often, ensuring that they won’t spread themselves too thin. 

 

Lightning McQueen: March 3 through April 27

McQueenians are able to approach situations with immense creativity. Their ability to think through all possibilities critically causes them to feel stubborn about their findings. If a McQueenian disagrees with you, trust that they know what they’re talking about. 

 

Shein Haul: April 28 through May 31

Shein Haulians love to reach for the sky, aiming for those achievements that seem just out of reach. Once they achieve one goal, they immediately move onto the next, never fully soaking in the satisfaction of their achievements.

 

Crumbl Cookies Almost Everything Bagel: June 1 through June 24

Bagelians are extremely misunderstood. There is too much racing through their minds for the common person to understand, causing many outsiders to believe they are cold and unforgiving. In reality, Bagelians have a soft side only very few can reach.

 

Friesian Horse: June 25 through August 1

Friesians end up mirroring those around them, having a strong desire to please any person they come in contact with. Friesians must remember to stay true to their own values and prioritize their own comfort above anyone else’s.

 

Play-Doh Penguin: August 2 through August 22

Penguinians are extremely bold, always loving to make a statement; however, their opinions are very malleable, tending to be warped by those around them. Penguinians should focus on personal consistency over all else. 

 

TI-84: August 23 through September 12

84ians are logical, facing each tough situation with a clear, compartmentalized mind. They should work on letting go of their responsibilities and should focus on taking out time for themselves.

 

R2D2: September 13 through September 28

D2ians seem flimsy from afar, always following the lead of others, when in reality, they are some of the bravest. Their loyalty towards the people closest to them demonstrates the true warmth of their nature. 

 

Aluminum in Microwave: September 29 through November 14

Microwavians love to find fun in everything they do, often making rash and immature decisions. These people are lifelong friends and will stick with you through thick and thin. 

 

Dasani Water: November 15 through December 25

Dasani Waterians often go against the grain, always ready to express themselves to others and joke around with whoever they meet. Despite their nature, they will always be there for you in times of need. 

 

All of these descriptions are based on random assumptions, applying to almost anyone who reads them because of how vague and mildly cryptic they are. I made random intervals and assigned names to each by scrolling through my camera roll, with the exception of my own because I wanted to be R2D2! People love to hear exactly what they want to hear (i.e. “you’re too hardworking,” “you’re too kind to those around you,” and “you should take more time for yourself’), which is why these horoscopes tend to appeal to those looking for answers and comfort. Instead of turning to these overgeneralized descriptions to feel a sense of belonging, we should take the time to acknowledge the situations we are in, our strengths, and our weaknesses to learn how to grow.

 

My dog passed away on Tuesday, October 25 at around 2:30 PM. I haven’t been able to think about anything else. Addie Bundren was so right when talking about the emptiness of words; I don’t think any string of words can fully encapsulate the pain I feel at the moment. The worst part of this pain is how inconsistent it is. At times, I can process her passing almost entirely, allowing me to comprehend what occurred and how I’m going to move on. But at other times, like right now, I can’t. I can’t imagine that she’s not here, I can’t think beyond the past, and I can’t comprehend what it means for her to die. It all seems so unreal. It’s when I think about how she would always look into my eyes with so much adoration, how she would closely follow me around the house, her face full of joy, how her small nails would clack against the wooden floor, how her bursts of energy would come out of nowhere, I feel that deep sense of pain. Like right now. My feelings are going to change a hundred times while writing this, and maybe this is not the most appropriate thing to write about in my AP Lit Blog; however, I can’t allow myself to write about anything else.

We got Elsa the summer before my 5th grade. I had been begging my parents for a dog for a long time, making presentations and writing persuasive essays to convince them. My mom was hesitant, knowing how much work it was to take care of a dog and knowing how painful it was to lose one, but I was persistent. On my last day of park district soccer, we went to a frozen yogurt place with a pet store next door. Some of my friends from the team proposed going into the store to look at some animals, so I excitedly agreed and made sure my family came in with me. I was on the other side of the store when I heard my mom say, “Aww, she’s so cute.” I looked over and it was love at first sight. I loved everything about her. The way she would drink water, the way she would tug on my dad’s shoelaces, the way she was getting distracted by every little thing. My sister and I successfully convinced my parents that evening, and we all immediately started preparing for her arrival. I remember going there with four members of our family, and coming back with five. 

I’ve loved her every day since. 

I have so many joyful memories with her, but it’s her everyday behaviors and our everyday routines that will stick with me forever. She would constantly roam around the house, scavenging for any food on the ground and socks she could tear apart, even though she had multiple toys of her own. Whenever she would chew on her chew toys, I’d congratulate her and shower her with even more love and affection, encouraging her to keep going. Every day when I’d come home from school, she would walk over to me with her toy to show me how obedient she was. I could never play fetch with her. Whenever I’d throw a stick, she would start running but get distracted along the way. When I’d try to motivate her to pick up the stick, she would get possessive, thinking I was trying to steal the stick from her, causing her to take the stick and run away. She couldn’t walk in a straight line. Our walks would consist of her sprinting, sneezing repeatedly because her harness held her back, walking from side to side, wrapping my family’s legs with her leash, getting extremely distracted by a single leaf, and staring at anyone walking by. She adored everyone and absolutely loved getting attention, always ready to be pet by anyone who was around.

The house is so silent now. She would always be panting, walking around, growling at a shadow, but now all of her little sounds are gone. Her death was sudden. She was behaving completely normal on Saturday but began walking around slowly and looking at us for long periods of time on Sunday. After her passing, vets believed she had an undetected blood clot, causing her to go into cardiac arrest. I still can’t believe it, and I don’t think I ever fully will, but I’m glad she wasn’t in pain for too long, glad she lived her life with so much joy, glad I told her I loved her almost every day, glad she will forever live in my memories, reminding me how I came to be who I am today. I’ll love you forever, Elsa.

 

“Forgive me for making you wanna roam

And now my heart is beating like the saddest metronome

Somewhere I hope you’re reading

My latest three-word poem

Gary, come home”

These words, which I genuinely believe were strung together by some sort of higher power and not some guy named Stew, give me chills every time I hear them blasting from my car’s speakers. This moment builds up perfectly, in a way I have never experienced before, leading you into the beautifully written line, “Gary, come home”. After literally hundreds of times listening, this song never fails to entertain me. “Gary’s Song” will always have a special place in my heart.

For context, “Gary’s Song” aired for the first time in season 4, episode 3 of the revolutionary Spongebob Squarepants on November 11, 2005. Throughout the series, Spongebob and Gary, his pet snail, have had a very beautiful, close relationship. Spongebob is always there to love and care for Gary, while Gary is there to teach Spongebob unlikely lessons. The episode, “Have You Seen This Snail?” was truly heartbreaking for frequent and first-time viewers alike, especially because the episode was the full length of 22 minutes instead of being split into two stories like usual. In this special episode Spongebob, so concentrated on his game, neglects to feed Gary and gets angry at him for constantly asking for food, so Gary, heartbroken, leaves town. After a week, Spongebob finally goes to feed Gary but realizes soon after that Gary is gone. As he and his friend Patrick put up posters around town, Spongebob mournfully reflects on his loving memories with Gary. It was at this point, Gary’s Song began to play.

My fascination with “Gary’s Song” began much after I watched the episode for the first time. It started when my sister, who had just graduated high school at the time, played “Gary’s Song” on repeat for many hours on our drive back from Mount Rushmore. Ever since then, “Gary’s Song” has been in and out of my most loved playlists. This song goes beyond the surface-level meaning, exceeding the emotional intensity of many of my favorite songs. Gary doesn’t just represent a fictional pet snail, Gary represents the people in our lives we once held close to us, not realizing the time spent together would inevitably end. Gary represents the yearning for someone who is gone and may never come back. Gary represents the regret associated with someone leaving and the acknowledgment that you may never reach them again. Gary is someone in all of our lives and someone who may never leave our hearts. 

“More than a pet, you’re my best friend

Too cool to forget

Come back ’cause we are family”

I currently have a seven-year-old dog named Elsa, who I spend almost all of my free time with and a lot of my not-free time with. I love her so much and she never fails to show me her love. With her being such a constant source of joy, love, and energy, I don’t know what I would do without seeing her every day. I used to have a pet bird named Singer, who passed away at fifteen years old in April 2020. He was older than me, living in my house from a time before I was born. I was so used to him being a part of my life, that I felt so confused without him. I know Singer won’t come back, but I still look back on the time we spent together. I often think about how my pets and I, without the ability to communicate through verbal language, can always seem to connect through nonverbal love. 

“Gary, come home”

I always seem to think about my own Garys, without realizing that I could be a Gary to someone else. My mom and I spend hours together each day, unable to imagine what our lives will look like next year. A year from now, I don’t know where I’ll be. I don’t know what state I’ll be in, whether a journey home means a two-hour car ride or a five-hour flight, or how often my parents and I will talk, whether we can call or only text. All I know is that, between the stressful days, I’ll come home.