My feet continued to march forward as thoughts flowed in and out of my head. How should I introduce myself? I should first ask if she’s busy, then tell her my name and why I’m here — shoot — what if she’s busy? What if she’s not? How should I explain why I, a complete stranger, am here, walking into the library, starting a conversation with her? What’s my plan? Do I even have a plan?
Before I could find an answer, I found myself already standing next to a girl with long, brown hair and blue eyes, who sat in front of a library table with her eyes fixed on the homework problems from her laptop.
Here I was, in the middle of the IMSA library after sneaking out of the gym where I completed my ping-pong tournament, attempting to cold-approach. Motivated by a deal with my friend, and further motivated by my friend’s victorious attempt on the same day, I pushed myself beyond my comfort zone — standing clueless in front of a pretty girl I didn’t know. My heart rate rose as the memory of whatever plan I had seconds ago disappeared at an exponential rate and approached 0.
Here we go. There is no backing down now, I thought to myself.
“Hi, do you have a second?” I asked her quietly, afraid to disturb the eerie silence of the library.
“Yes,” she said, looking me dead in the eyes with her beautiful blue eyes.
Surprising that she’s not busy! I thought joyously. Yet, another thought quickly followed, now, what do I say?
“Nice… okay… my name is Frank, I came from another school for a ping pong tournament and I was walking around … ” I began rambling as my mind blanked out, speaking gibberish and asking dumb questions. Awkward, awkward, awkward, I told myself. Curiously, my brain seemed to spend more energy evaluating how awkward the situation was than actively thinking about how to make the situation better. The interaction went worse and worse: from asking “what you’re doing” twice to responding “I’m a senior” when she said she’s a Junior, I made the dumbest comments and all the mistakes of cold-approach.
Unsurprisingly, I took an embarrassingly big L. I didn’t get her number, I looked like an idiot, and my friends laughed at me during the bus ride back to North.
However, on the bus, staring at the passing streetlights through the window, I thought to myself: do I regret this experience?
Although my cold-approach attempt ended horribly, truthfully, I did not regret it. Compared to the countless times I spotted a good-looking girl at a public place but never dared to approach her out of shyness, my failure at the IMSA library was a success in itself because I dared to take the first step.
A great physicist named Mr. Farrell used to say, “to F.A.I.L. is the First Attempt In Learning.” Without pushing oneself out of their comfort zone, or trying things one has never done before, one will never have the opportunity to grow. Without the embarrassing interaction with that girl at IMSA, I would never be able to know how good (or horrible) I am really at when it comes to attraction, and I would not have learned the areas that needed work (in my case, it’s quirk and relaxation).
As 2nd-semester seniors, the number of days we will spend as NNHS high school students are very limited. During the final semester of our high school years, it is very tempting to fall for senioritis because all our hard work during our previous years had led us up to this relatively stress-free time period where we can sit back and enjoy the fruit of our previous sweat and tears. However, it was during this time period of senioritis that I realized the value of high school activities, especially after college applications.
Imagine you are in your 60’s looking back at your high school career, the only things that will truly matter are the knowledge and friendship that you’ve acquired during your four years and the fun memories you’ve had of your youth. After we graduate high school, we will never be able to live the life of a high schooler again and do the fun little things that we’ve wanted to do as high schoolers. Thus, it might be better to be a little bit bolder, try things we’ve never dared to try before, and step out of our comfort zone more often — be it cold-approaching, starting a crazy club, or joining more student activities.
Do something fun and a little bit crazy so that you’ll be rich in memories. Don’t worry about failures, for they’re better than the regret of not trying. The next time you’re debating whether or not to try something outside your comfort zone, let your feet march forward and see where they will take you.
Yo Frank,
This was an awesome blog dude! Privately, I completely resonate with you here. In the (extremely rare) times where I’ve done a similar thing, I like to think about it in this way: approach the person as a friend. At Chipotle the other day, for example, I got to know a pretty cool person from NCC who’s planning to go into education for 1st graders. At the end of the day, I think that the idea of attraction isn’t really about charm or the quality of one’s pickup lines, but rather just the initiative and interest you take to heart. Be a good listener, be attentive, and ask good questions.
But of course, when it comes to me, I really am no expert at all. But one quote that I still remember to this day is from Steve Jobs, which I’ll paraphrase here: Most people don’t get what they desire because they don’t ask. They’re too afraid to ask. Steve Jobs asked the CEO of Hewlett-Packard (HP computers) asking for some spare antenna parts and ended up with a job at HP later that summer. From asking out people we like, starting up a card game club, to trying to get basically anything we want, it all comes down to one thing: initiative.
Also another thing: be sure to reflect. Experiences like these are valuable, but I’d also encourage you to think a bit more as well. Why were you so nervous? What were some of the implicit and explicit thoughts going through your head when you asked? What might you change next time? Ask these questions, and who knows? – you might just end the next night with a new number on your phone. 😉
Hi Frank, this was an interesting read. You have to tell me more about this person and when this experience happened. I respect your boldness to cold approach someone and actually start a conversation with them. I probably could never, unless I was at a party maybe. If I were to try to get someone’s number, I would just ask for it. I just think that it would save myself from the embarrassment I would feel for myself and for the girl. I do agree with your overall message of your blog though to step out of your comfort zone to see what you can do. I just feel like for me, in the aspect of trying to rizz a girl, is just something that I don’t want to do and not worth it. But, I wish you the best of luck in your endeavors of stepping out of your comfort zone and seeing if you can bag more numbers.
Frank, my man, I appreciate how open and honest you are. The courage it takes for one to openly express the reality of what took place in such a situation is grand. Most would simply say: “Ah she had a boyfriend”, “I wasn’t feeling her”, and so on. But sooner or later I do not doubt you will most definitely find yourself a great woman as you are a great man. They’ll appreciate your honesty, brains, personality, and all you have to offer as do I. Although that time might or might not seem near, I promise you Frank the time will come. I know it may be a cliche that there are “many fish in the sea” but it is not wrong. I guarantee there are plenty that will value you and all of your traits. In the meantime, I wish you luck in that search for self-improvement and never settle for anything less than you deserve.