Ranking Every Stardew Valley Bachelor & Bachelorette Part 2: Electric Boogaloo

…So you want to learn about the rest of the list. And let me tell you, it only gets better.

For those of you who didn’t read my last blog post and don’t feel like reading all 1000 words of madness, let me fill you in.

Stardew Valley is a video game by Concerned Ape about farming, fishing, mining, making money, and making friends with the people in the lovely village of Pelican Town. It is these people I will be focusing on. More specifically, the bachelors and bachelorettes of Pelican Town. There is a set, small number of people in Stardew Valley that you can romance through the giving of gifts, talking to them daily, and overall going out of the way to greet them.

Our roster of characters we went over last time included a demon spawn from hell (Haley) who is only lovable by ‘nice guys’; the town alcoholic (Shane) who is only lovable by people with an “I cAn fiX HiM” mentality; a misogynistic jock (Alex) who makes the player feel uncomfortable with his off putting comments; an oblivious seamstress (Emily) who is loved by someone else in Pelican Town (and let’s be honest, if you marry Emily to spite Clint, the man in love with her, what are you doing with your life); a bratty and rebellious ‘adventurer’ (Abigail) who does everything to spite her parents; and Maru. Maru is okay, she’s just hard to get gifts for.

Penny, the schoolteacher of the two kids in town, was my list’s midpoint – she’s easy enough to get gifts for, but lacks a lot of personality. She wants the character to go as far as lie about her cooking just to make her happy. I don’t adore Penny, but then again, she’s just sort of… there. Now! The moment you’ve all been waiting for… the top 5 on my list of best Stardew Valley bachelors and bachelorettes.

After Penny, we have Elliott. Some people are ride or die Elliott stans, and I can understand it – he’s a writer that lives down by the ocean. He’s a dreamy and romantic love boat. Elliott looks like he could stand in for the shirtless man on the front of a two dollar romance novel. He can be difficult to find gifts for, with favorite gifts like pomegranates and crab cakes, but he has an elegant charm to him. One cutscene reveals how he doesn’t know where his life is taking him. Relatable, Elliott. Me too. The only reason he isn’t higher up on the list is because of his reactions when giving him gifts he doesn’t like, and he hurt my feelings when I gave him a flower and he responded with “This item gives me a terrible feeling. I’ll have to dispose of it.”

Harsh.

Next up is a fan favorite – Harvey, doctor in the clinic, and lover of coffee and pickles (separately, not coffee pickles). My friend Olivia Konstantellos is obsessed with Harvey. He is kind of quirky, and while I can see the appeal, I’m just not that into him. My personal schedule never lined up with his, and unless you were obsessed with talking to him, it’s hard to sync up how you play the game day to day with when he’s working in his clinic or not. Not my favorite, but a tribute for Olivia (who I will make read this one paragraph once I’m done).

My top three pick for Stardew lovers is Sebastian. He is this emo-haired, soft-hearted bachelor that I adore. He lives up in the mountains, reasonably close to the farm you live on, and is just… misunderstood. The game never outright says it, but through different cutscenes, it is discovered that Sebastian has depression. That said, he always smiles when you find him an item that he loves. We will also forever and always look past the fact that the game tries to tell the player he has a crush on Abigail. No he does not, he will love me. Can I fix him? Yes. And I will. I love Sebastian. 

Between the two characters left for first place, in second place will have to be Leah. Leah is my wife in my current save (before I divorced her, it’s a long story, I was trying to unlock something, okay?), and she is amazing. She lives in a little cottage near the southwestern lake in town, while she practices her art and creates sculptures. She is amazing, no matter how many people call her a crunchy granola lady. She is a crunchy granola lady, but sometimes she gifts me mushrooms in the morning, and she’s pretty cool. I love all of her cutscenes, when she goes out of her way to make a picnic for the player to go on, or when she punches her ex who comes back to try to take her back to the city. Leah is a badass and I adore her. Oh and did I mention, she’s gorgeous. End of story.

But not the end yet! Sitting at the top of the list, my all time favorite Stardew love interest is…

Sam!

Sam is amazing. A godsend. He plays in a band!! He’s good with kids, playing with and taking care of his brother Vincent while his father is off fighting in a war! He has funny hair! He skateboards!! Sam is kindhearted, opening up and talking to the character about all sorts of things. If there’s one thing to be certain about, Sam is NOT emotionally unavailable. He is very, very available. For the player. Sam is very easy to get gifts for, with one of his liked gifts (a tier below ‘favorite’ gifts) is a specific piece of trash you can accidentally fish up, called Joja Cola. He is easy to please and easy to love, and I think he’s just great.

Thank you for sticking around through this 2,000 word rant about one of my favorite video games of all time. And remember, you can always Call Me Meg.