This past summer, I found pickleball. Hopping on the viral summer bandwagon, I grew obsessed and felt like I could play for hours, days, weeks, and months. But, every time I played I felt like my passion was being dampened. Not only by the fleeting presence of daylight, but also the unshakeable feeling that my Pickleball swag was not up to par. Every time I walk on the court with my dinky $10 target wooden pickleball paddle (The Demolisher), I can practically feel the judgement. So, on a path to being serious about this sport and dishing out judgement of my own, I formulated this wish list.
(The Demolisher)
HEAD Wristbands – $6.50
https://pickleballcentral.com/head-wristbands/
This one’s pretty easy. Whenever I see a player with wristbands on, I know they mean business. Even besides the scare factor, they are so incredibly practical. In the heat, I can wipe my sweat, in the cold I can warm my wrists. With the sport being so wrist heavy, this is closer to a need than a want.
Selkirk Core Line Tour Pickleball Backpack – $130
https://pickleballcentral.com/selkirk-core-line-tour-pickleball-backpack/
I mean, this one just makes sense. Obviously, I need a bag to hold all my gear. This one’s a little pricey, but just for the culture it has to be a pickleball brand. The only redemption here is that I imagine this bag would last me years. I’m thinking that this could hold at least two paddles (obviously one backup), a few balls, snacks, water, wrist bands, extra grips, shoes, a visor, and anything else I’ll need.
JOOLA Ben Johns Perseus CFS 14 Carbon Fiber Pickleball Paddle – $249.95
https://pickleballcentral.com/joola-ben-johns-perseus-cfs-14-carbon-fiber-pickleball-paddle/
If I had a nickel for every time my wooden paddle failed me, I’d have enough to buy this paddle. It constantly feels like I’m playing with a shoddy cutting board, and I get absolutely no control. If I don’t hit the ball directly in the center, it’s safe to call it a miss. With a carbon fiber paddle, I would be twice the player I am now. Of course there are thousands of types, from material, to brand, to grip size, to weight, but just from online opinion this one seems suitable. The true dream would be to test all kinds of paddles for hours, but for now this would demolish the demolisher.
SwiftNet 2.1 Portable Pickleball Net System – $369.99
https://pickleballcentral.com/swiftnet-portable-pickleball-net/
Everyone knows that when you have a couple hundred dollars worth of pickleball gear, the only way to justify that purchase is to play all the time. With the sport’s popularity on a constant rise, this net would solve all my problems. I would be able to set this up on empty tennis courts, in parking lots, the middle of the street, or even in my house. This thing is so portable and simple, I could start playing pickleball wherever and whenever I want in under five minutes.
Pickleball Tutor Spin Ultra – $1,649.00
https://pickleballcentral.com/pickleball-tutor-spin-ultra/
To play like no one else, you have to put in the hours like no one else. Of course I won’t be buying this right now, but it’s nice to have plans. In over ten years, hopefully I will have enough free time to sink unthinkable amounts of time into this sport. This monster piece of machinery is nothing to joke about. I’d be able to customize direction, power, type of shot, spin level, shot location, and randomize every available option.
Louis Vuitton Pickleball Set – $100k
I don’t even know what to say to justify this one. I’m not sure if these are even good quality paddles and balls. This is as wishful as it gets and even though I’ve only been playing for a few months, a guy can dream. One day I hope I can make it big, buy this tank of a pickleball set, and bring it to the local Nike Park courts. Opening this up at the rec leagues, I will never be outswagged again.
I do have dreams, goals, and wishes, but everything here is admittedly pretty unnecessary. What I love about this sport is how easily anyone can start playing it. All it took me was a few friends and $10 dollars at Target to grow an undying obsession. It’ll take me quite some time to get some of the things on this list, and some I don’t think I will ever buy. I just hope this sport stays with me for the time being, just me and my Demolisher.
If anyone is curious, the items on this list are linked and my birthday is December 24th.
What the ever living– I’m at a loss for words. You started out so strong and I was like okay, that makes sense, he needs a new paddle. And then a bag. And then a net. And I’m like, that’s a lot, no wait that’s even more, wait what? And then I see the 100k LV set and I just start laughing. It’s like that TikTok with the guy cutting pieces of pizza and he screams “It’s enough slices!”. I hope you’re ready to destroy the opponents on the court because I don’t know If I could justify spending close to $120k on pickleball equipment if I can’t even beat Herr Justice and Mr. Hantak. To each their own, I guess. Regardless, It’s clear that this is something you’re passionate about and I hope to see your name in flashing lights one day as a pickleball legend. Maybe one day you’ll be good as the old people I see at Nike Park. Great post.
Matthew,
Respectfully, this made me laugh. The thought of you wearing the wristbands, sporting the backpack, setting up the net, and playing against the Pickleball Tutor Spin Ultra with your Louis Vuitton paddles is ridiculous. I can’t even imagine how this would make your poor Demolisher feel.
I appreciated the way you formatted this list. It was amusing to see how the items got more and more insane as I kept reading. I mean, I can’t believe the Louis Vuitton set even exists?? What’s in it?? Why on earth is it $100,000??? It’s kind of ugly too, in my opinion…but who am I to comment on pickleball swag?
Finally, I’d like to point out that you’re kind of a genius by linking everything. And stating when your birthday is. It’s quite unfortunate that it’s by Christmas though, because now people can claim it’s your birthday and your Christmas present, all in one!
Matthew, I’m glad you found something that could alleviate the stress during these busy times. I found your blog to be an amusing read and hope one day you can buy all of these items. Except for the $100,000 Louis Vuitton pickleball set. That seems like a waste of money for even the richest person. I also hope that one day if you end up buying all this, you can solo Herr Justice and Mr.Hantak, that would be the only way to justify these purchases. It was a good idea to link these products and mention your birthday, but with it being so close to Christmas, you’d be getting one gift for both. And if I end up getting you anything but the wristbands, that’s my gift to you for years. Regardless, I hope one day you make it big (CS or pickleball) and you have all these items on your wishlist.
I don’t know if I am late to the trend or what, but truthfully I had no clue that pickle ball was a thing until I read your blog. I was excited for you to be able to grow your passion by starting by getting rid of your “dinky’ wooden pickle ball paddle. At first, you talked about wristbands which I am not gonna lie to you, they look like the ones people put on before washing their faces but not cute. At first, I understood, you needed a new paddle and it should be a good one, mostly when you use it all the time. As I kept reading I thought “Oh this is it” but nope. There was always one more just waiting for me to be shocked once again. The last one though was the cherry on top of the pie, a $100k Louis Vuitton pickle ball set. I didn’t even know they made pickle ball sets or any set for a sport. I am not gonna like you, it’s a bit…ugly. Maybe it’s just my personal opinion but the highlighter yellow case with the one yellow paddle while the other colors are all so much darker. What really takes it is that the box is so big for something that is just taking up the top 10% of it. I did really like that you spent a lot of time justifying it on your wish list. I feel like you are someone who is really good at debates or arguments with being able to say your reasoning for each item and how much you are going to use it.
Matthew, do not listen to all of the haters in the comments. I respect your wish list and I believe the best deserves the best. Although the skill might not derive from these amenities but rather the work, time, and effort put into the sport, I am not concerned about that for you. Do you wanna know why? BECAUSE YOU ARE THE G.O.A.T. Matt. Remember that and do not let anyone tell you otherwise. I may have never played pickleball but I would love to put your skills to the test because it has to be somewhat similar to lacrosse right? Right. Although I will admit that the Louis Vuitton set is a slight reach I think we can find even better. One hundred grand is rookie numbers. I do wish you the best of luck in your pickleball career LeGoat and I hope I can teach you some things in our coming one-on-one.